Your name: Laura Jayne Martin
Your address: East Village, NYC
Name of person you want protection from: The Black Eyed Peas
Description of person you want protection from: A frightening musical ensemble from a future where words, not sentences, are punctuated.
Sex: I think they do it with machines
Height: Roughly three humps, plus two lovely lady lumps
Weight: Not susceptible to gravity
Hair Color: Ultra
Eye Color: Double Rainbow
Age: 15 (formed 1995)
Besides you, who needs protection? Earthlings
I ask the court to order the person musical group listed in #3 to stay at least 100 feet away from the following: My Ears; My Brain; the Laundromat where I do my laundry; New York City; all industry standard Hi-Definition television cameras; the World Wide Web; and my dreams.
Describe a recent incident:
a.) On July 30, 2011 The Black Eyed Peas performed in Central Park as part of Good Morning America’s free summer concert series. This was disturbing as I reside a mere three miles from this venue.
b.) Who was there? Mostly tourists, but also some humans.
c.) What did the
person musical group do? They performed unspeakable acts of avant-garde sexy robot cacophony. Also, they wore utensils and camping equipment. And undulated.
d.) Did the police come? They were already there, so just think about that.
Describe earlier incidents:
On one single day in 2009, the Black Eyed Peas performed live during a flash mob for Oprah Winfrey’s 24th Season Kickoff Party on Michigan Avenue in Chicago. Then they flew to LA for a taping of The Jimmy Kimmel Show, and then flew to Hong Kong for CSMALPAT 2009 (a fundraiser for male-pattern baldness in computer scientists). Later that SAME night, they performed, via satellite, at halftime for the Canadian Football League championship, and then guest-starred on Glee as holograms. They ended their 48-hour day at 8:45 a.m. EST by playing an exclusive show at a Budget Meeting in the Roosevelt Room of the White House.
On April 21, 2011, The Black Eyed Peas simultaneously performed their song: “Ca’n U BeLieve This Is Re.al.ly @ Song?” for Queen Elizabeth’s 85th Birthday and the American Idol Gives Back Season 10 Special.
On June 11th, 2010, The Black Eyed Peas played the Opening Ceremony of the 2010 World Cup in South Africa, the closing of a Kia dealership in Eschborn, Germany and then showed up at my cousin’s baby’s Christening during the anointing with Chrism.
On July 14th, 2009, The Black Eyed Peas played outside my office building for nine straight hours. Earlier in the day, two of them sold me coffee, while impersonating Starbucks employees. While singing “Boom Boom Pow.”
On July 20th, 2008, The Black Eyed Peas paid the receptionist at my dentist’s office $2,700 dollars to play only their music for my entire two hour visit. Later, The Black Eyed Peas followed me onto a downtown 6 train, silent, but gyrating.
On August 1st, 2007, The Black Eyed Peas played fifty-eight different renditions of “Let’s Get it Started” in my bedroom while I attempted to propose to my girlfriend.
Yesterday, The Black Eyed Peas sent me a notarized letter affirming that each individual black eyed pea, plus the group as a whole, is, in fact, a beast when one turns them on.
MOST RECENTLY: Saturday, March 10, 2012, 7:58pm, The Black Eyed Peas are currently sitting next to me on the couch as I write this, singing an acoustic version of the entire Elephunk album.
I ask The Black Eyed Peas to cease and desist abusing my senses, perpetually touring, side projects, surprise performances, planned performances, cameos, ruining my life, and rubbing up on me.
Laura Jayne Martin