A Complete Idiot's Guide To The Pharmacy

Welcome to “A Complete Idiot’s Guide” where you will be guided by me, a complete idiot. This week? Pharmacies. Please enjoy this advice, which differs from all the other idiotic advice out there in that instead of being for a complete idiot it is written by a complete idiot. I think that makes all the difference.

The pharmacy is a land of dreams, waking you up from the nightmare of walking the extra distance to the grocery or specialty store. Pharmacies are here to help you. It begins before you even enter the store. Even though they take the time and expense to construct their storefronts entirely of glass, they thoughtfully cover up the glass with opaque material, so you cannot see how long the lines are at the check-out.

That way it can be a fun surprise at the end of your shopping trip — just when you think you are leaving, you get to remain in the pharmacy for another 15-30 minutes! Finally, you can stop complaining about cashiers that are too fast and too alert. Plus, you have the added suspense of wondering if they have actually died up there at the register. You’re at the pharmacy, baby, enjoy the show.

Originally called “farmacies,” pharmacies were invented by farmers in 1930s during the Great Depression. Without enough farming work to keep them busy, they created homemade labs and brewed their own medications. Before this, most ailments were cured by aspirin, cinnamon and milk, or both.

Here now, some Pharmacy tips:

*DON’T leave the store without these pharmacy exclusives!

– Pharmacy-brand vanilla cookies (aim for those inexplicably produced in Canada)

– A $400 DVD Player

– Underpants (that is, if your partner gets excited when he/ she catches a glimpse of a Duane Reade logo)

– Offensive greeting cards

– Terrible school supplies (Five-ring binders! Number 3 pencils!)

– Zero rolls of neutral wrapping paper (because they will never, ever have this item).

*DO try some of the health services the pharmacy also offers like: testing your blood pressure, flu shots, and mental agility games like “Which f-cking window is the one where I pick-up prescriptions?” or “Are these three separate lines or just one big line?” and my favorite, “You say I’m in your system, yet you need to enter my address every time I fill a prescription?”

*DON’T make the beginner mistake of trying to buy things like: shampoo over $3, disposable razor blades, hair dye, or cough suppressant. To the untrained eye, they may look like they’re for sale, but in fact, they are actually just part of the museum within the pharmacy. This museum is devoted to displaying interesting items people have wanted to buy over the years, locked safely behind thick plastic screens.

*DO stock up on eclectic holiday gifts like: a foldable eye and temple massager, an EZ Grill Disposable Instant Grill, HD Vision Sunglasses, Auto headlight restorer kit, a Hepatitis C home test, Crest white strips, and magazines (They’re like internet you can hold!).

*DON’T forget to get your photos developed by someone you’re pretty sure has made, is making, or will make meth in the developing lab.

*DO sign up for the rewards card.

*DON’T expect to save any money using the rewards card.

*ALWAYS buy anything in a cardboard bin. Don’t sleep on those pizzeria spice holders!

Finally, if you get lonely in the pharmacy just pick up any of the following products: a pregnancy test, tampons, pads, panty liners, psychiatric medication, condoms, lice-killing shampoo, laxatives — or really any kind of suppository. And instantly someone you know will appear! This is a surefire way to run into people like: a work colleague, a former romantic interest, a potential romantic interest, or the mother of a potential romantic interest. This trick is foolproof. Just grab some Sally Hansen hair remover and voilà — lonely no more!

Use this guide and enjoy the wonders of the pharmacy today! TC mark

image – Clean Wal-Mart

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  • Eric

    So funny

  • Sophia

    i am laughing so hard. this is all so true, you are fantastic

  • Supahhcool

    “Magazines (they’re like internet you can hold!)” PERFECT

  • Denden

    That’s cool, but which aisle do I go to get my pap done?

  • APA

    NAILED IT.

  • Michelle

    this is fabulous. I love you.

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