God, I love social media. I love that my friends in New York, Cardiff, Sydney and London can see, in real-time, the café I am working out of today, and what music I am listening to as I do it. I can see a whole album of their trip to the beach this past weekend, or keep up with what they’re reading online via the links they post and the recommendations they give via a thumbs up. It’s incredible to me that I have access to the things they’ve “liked”, so that I might see them and like them too: fashion bloggers and lifestyle websites, smoothie recipes and animal videos. And from all that, I’ve developed a total crush on social media, wherein I have a vast, spider-web-like net of people and things and companies that I have access to, all day, everyday. But, for as many times as I hit “follow”, I also hit “unfollow”. It’s a fickle, cruel world we live in, Internet, and the hand that giveth can also taketh away. Here’s some reasons why.
1. You’re a Negative Nancy
It was kind of funny how you complained in the biting, sarcastic way, and that was why I scrolled through your whole feed, hitting favourite and building up to the master off all social media compliments: the RT. You have some razor sharp observations and the way your mind works is a source of genuine fascination for me. But, the thing is, is that when I saw a plaid shirt I liked I thought of the joke you made about hipster men whose mum still do their laundry. So I didn’t buy it. And, I mentally laughed at the woman talking about veganism at breakfast yesterday, because your jokes about vegans are cruelly hilarious. It’s kind of wearing me down, tbh. Like, I just don’t have the energy to form my opinions when yours are so on point… but they’re so mean. So. Bye. I’ll think of you fondly.
2. I don’t give a shit about your cat
I dog-sat this one time, and got a bunch of followers because of it. Animals take cute pictures! They look so human sometimes! Look! The puppy is tucked into bed like a baby! But, I just can’t keep getting involved in this shit. I get that your cat looks majorly unimpressed at that thing your roommate did, or your Doberman is far too manly to sit that prettily at the window. But, when that is the only thing your feed is composed of, it gets boring. I was kind of interested until I wasn’t, but you should deffo keep following me, thanks.
3. TOO. MANY. SELFIES.
You’re really beautiful. Like, insanely so. And girl, HELL. I selfie on a good day too – I mean, it’s like, illegal to waste a good hair day on basic IRL. You gotta document that shine for internet posterity and stat. But, there’s a line, and that line is called multiple shots in the same session. The rule is that you pick the single best shot from the 436 you took – you do not post them all. And if you’re taking 436 shots that are all good enough to make the social media cut, then fuck you.
4. The truth was inconvenient
That asylum issue is really pressing, and the upcoming election super important. Totally. Absolutely. Women died to give me the vote etc. etc. But like, I’m just trying to eat my breakfast and figure out a cute way to style my hair today, and you’re already here telling me about environmental political rhetoric and using all caps everything and it’s too early and you’re being really shouty and any impact you could have had on the wider world was lost when you told everyone they were doing it wrong before they’d even finished their Pop Tart and wheatgrass shot.
5. You’re in a happy, committed relationship
I either fancy you, dude, and so can’t stand the romantic captions you put to your above average-looking girlfriend, or girl – I fancy your boyfriend and the way he looked holding your niece at the weekend just finished me off. Love exists, and I followed you because I enjoyed the proof of it all, but your happiness leaves me feeling empty in my singleness and so I’ll be over here Instagramming my pedicured feet on the beach I went to today. Alone.
6. It’s not me, it’s you
I know we had high school history together, and we once met up for that coffee when we both happened to be home for the holidays six years ago, but: babe. You are really, really boring. You’re not even being ironic when you upload that picture of your lunch! You use Facebook to give updates on the local roads in your area! You change your profile picture EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. I’d love to like, live and let live, except on this one I just need to not see you on my computer every day. Enjoy living on the internet of 2002.
7. I’m jealous. Not just envious… jealous.
I can’t even with your constant vacations and the flowers your boyfriend got you just because and the famous client you just signed at work and who you just couldn’t resist getting a snap with. I get it! You are wildly successful and happy and sometimes don’t even need to up the exposure to even out blemished skin! GOOD FOR YOU. But you’ve gone from inspiring me to be better to making me hate stalk you so that I can screen shot your bullshit to send to my GBF, and that was never who I wanted to be. I’m sorry I don’t like myself more to be happy for you.