The Song: “I Have Nothing”
The Lyric: “Take my love, I’ll never ask for too much – just all that you are, and everything that you do.”
The Occasion: Two months into dating your new squeeze, after you’ve given up the hard-to-get, cat-and-mouse chasing game and given in to just how much you really, really fancy them and so fuck it: you’re in. And you demand that they are, too.
The Song: “Greatest Love Of All”
The Lyric: “Everybody’s searching for a hero, people need someone to look up to. I never found anyone who fulfilled my needs – a lonely place to be. And so, I learned, to depend on me.”
The Occasion: Alone, in your underwear, eating Doritos off your chest in the dark – only the dim light of Netflix on your dying MacBook as company.
The Song: “One Moment In Time”
The Lyric: “Give me one moment in time when I’m more than I thought I could be. When all of my dreams are a heartbeat away, and the answers are all up to me.”
The Occasion: Your funeral. It’s too late for you, but by GOD your mourning friends and family will be inspired.
The Song: “How Will I Know?”
The Lyric: “Falling in love is so bittersweet: this love is strong, why do I feel weak?”
The Occasion: The first time you eat a Cro-nut. That feeling is diabetes.
The Song: “Saving All My Love For You”
The Lyric: “You used to tell me we’d run away together – love gives you the right to be free. You said be patient; just wait a little longer. But… that’s just an old fantasy.”
The Occasion: When you realise he’s never going to leave his wife for you, and it hits you: you’re a cliché. You slept with your boss and thought it would be different, but alas… you’ve been had.
The Song: “Where Do Broken Hearts Go?”
The Lyric: “I know it’s been some time but there’s something on my mind. You see, I haven’t been the same since that cold, November day.”
The Occasion: When you forget to forget them, just for a moment, and it all comes flooding back.
The Song: “Didn’t We Almost Have It All?”
The Lyric: “Didn’t we almost have it all when love was all we had worth giving? The ride with you was worth the fall my friend.”
The Occasion: When your commuter crush no longer takes the same train as you. You guys coulda been so much.
The Song: “I’m Your Baby Tonight”
The Lyric: “Whatever you want from me, I’m giving you everything – I’m your baby tonight. You’ve given my ecstasy, you are my fantasy: I’m your baby tonight.”
The Occasion: Three days before your period, when that horn is REAL.
The Song: “All The Man I Need”
The Lyric: “I used to cry myself to sleep at night, but that was all before he came. I thought I had to hurt for love to turn out right but now he’s here it’s not the same.”
The Occasion: When you first see a picture of One Day author David Nicholls and wonder what you’ve been wasting your life on thus far.
The Song: “I’m Every Woman”
The Lyric: “I’m every woman, it’s all in me. Anything you want done baby, I do it naturally.”
The Occasion: On waxing day, when suddenly you’ve gone from hairless beast to silken siren, and everyone needs to know about it.
The Song: “Run To You”
The Lyric: “Each day I play the role of someone always in control, but at night I come home and turn the key and there’s nobody there. Nobody cares for me.”
The Occasion: When you come back to your apartment after the holidays. Nobody loves you – you know that, right?
The Song: “Queen of the Night”
The Lyric: “I’ve got the stuff that you want, I’ve got the thing that you need, I’ve got more than enough to make you drop to your knees.”
The Occasion: When you unexpectedly come home with a Domino’s Meal Deal for you and your roommate.
The Song: “Step by Step”
The Lyric: “There’s a road I have to follow, a place I have to go. No-one told me just how to get there, but when I get there I’ll know.”
The Occasion: During your Saturn’s return. You don’t have a fucking clue how you’ll survive, but you read something on the Internet once about positive thinking, so you’ll start there.
The Song: “Not Right But It’s Okay”
The Lyric: “If six of y’all went out, then four of you were really cheap. Because only two of you had dinner – I found your credit card receipt.”
The Occasion: Justifying reading somebody else’s diary.
The Song: “If I Told You That”
The Lyric: “I know that we were just friends, but… what if I decided to bring something in?”
The Occasion: Five tequilas in at the bar, knowing full well that all of your friends will HATE you tomorrow morning for crossing the line with a fellow “group” member.