Casual sex is a minefield. Tricky. For two consenting adults who are on exactly the same page, hooking up can be the perfect scratching post for a very particular itch. But, seldom is that the way. And that’s because, in casual sex, oft time we treat the other person as less-than, to prove how little we emotionally care and how “chill” we are.

Urgh.

Rule number one

…you can only fuck somebody you actually like. Like as in respect. Like as in, would introduce to your roommate if paths crossed in the kitchen the morning after. Like as in, wouldn’t actively go out of your way to be an asshole to. If you want a punching bag, go to the gym – not the bedroom.

Actually care

We’re so guilty of trying to be the “cool” girl (or boy) when it comes to sex. Do not be a female (or male) chauvinist pig. Do not be the girl so desperate to get laid that she establishes herself as “not like those other bitches”. You are not above caring. You are not above self-respect. You are in no way “better than” for placing fewer emotional demands on your partner than somebody else might. It’s totally cool if you don’t want anything other than physical – totally. But that doesn’t make you special, so don’t use it as your USP. Don’t put other women down to get what you want. Be a compassionate human being, please – it’s much more attractive.

No ulterior motives

Seldom can you shag somebody into a relationship. If a relationship is actually what you want, you need to be a grown-up and say so. Do not start fucking with the hope of a future, when you’ve both said, out loud, that fucking is all is it. You are not Mila Kunis, and he is not Justin Timberlake, and this is not Hollywood.

If you really don’t want a relationship, you need to say that at the beginning, out loud, and face-to-face. Related: you cannot have sex with somebody to test the waters. That’s how people get hurt, and that part, unlike so much other hurt, is avoidable. Text message is a cop-out as far as discussion methods go; if you’re going to deal with bodily fluids and occasional pillow talk, you owe the other person an in-person explanation of where you’re at. Their physical reaction will reveal a lot more about how they really feel than a simple “K” over SMS will.

The kicker? If you doubt, even one iota, that your sexyfuntimes partner has even the smallest hope of taking things further, stop sleeping with them. Now. Demonstrate some respect for yourself by taking responsibility for yourself. You cannot deal with tears and drama down the line with the defense “I told you I didn’t want a relationship!” when you know, if you’re truly honest with yourself, you saw the hope in their eyes the night you had “The Talk”.

Establish your criteria

The good kind of fuck buddy fits a certain criteria, and if your partner isn’t matching up you need to find another scratching post who does. Don’t settle. Plenty of other people want to have sex with you, so search for the one worthy of dat ass.

Find a friend-with-benefits who is single. This should be common sense, but it is staggering – literally incomprehensible – how many of us covet our neighbours goods, and so don’t mind sampling the product when their back is turned. Affairs, realising you love somebody outside of your relationship – that all happens. But if you’re using somebody else’s life love as a physical release, you might want to think about your value system. And if you’re the one with the side dish? You owe your partner an explanation.

Know your boundaries

If your booty call only ever gets in touch when they’re drunk, it’s past midnight, asks for dirty pictures and tells you they have to be up really early in the morning before they’ve even taken off their shoes, you’re selling yourself short. If they’ve tasted their cum, they can give you a kiss goodbye when you’re done, and if it’s really about the heady highs of how they can make your genitalia feels, surely a somewhat sober fuck will far surpass a sloppy drunken fumble.

Pencilling in a Fuck Date can be a hugely sexy thing – the anticipation of what’s to come is incredible foreplay. Respect the schedule of your co-conspirator, and take what they say on face value. If they have to work late, presume the best: that it’s true. But don’t stand for constant last minute cancellations, either. Your time is precious as well.

Wear a condom. Have a safe word. Establish boundaries. Be playful.

But most of all, even in casual sex (especially in casual sex) – be kind.