What My Online Dating Profile Would Say If I Had One And Was Honest

Flickr / Don Hankins
Flickr / Don Hankins

Hello, online world. My name is Laura Hensley; I am 24 years old and embarrassed to even be on here. I know it’s meant to be “socially acceptable” these days to search for a mate on the Internet, but part of me was hoping I would have found someone organically by now so that I wouldn’t have to resort to this. I always imagined meeting someone the way it happens in the movies, but no one on the subway talks to each other anymore (mostly because we are all glued to our phones), and I don’t have a dog to let off its leash in a park, and the coffee shop I frequent is usually occupied by gay men. So alas, here I am.

You should probably know that I am very skeptical about online dating. I’m constantly worried that I’ll meet up with a serial killer or an HPV carrier. And I’m not interested in either. I would like you to be a normal, funny, but most of all kind person. Kindness is the most important quality I am seeking in a partner. That and a sense of humor; you must be funny. And think I am funny, too.

What about me is so special you may ask? Well, I’m not entirely sure. My mother always tells me that she’s proud of me, but I think most mothers tell their children that. Except for the time in high school when I pierced my nose myself in my bedroom with a needle and ice. My mother made it very clear she wasn’t too proud of me then. But anyway, there’s a fine line between sounding confident and cocky, especially when you’re selling a refined version of yourself to someone you’ve never met, and I am still trying to figure out that balance. I want you to know that I am smart, kind, ambitious, loving, easy-going and a horrible dancer, all without having to spell it out. But if we ever do develop a relationship, hopefully you’ll figure those things out for yourself. So I guess what I need to do on here is give you a hint about who I am, enough so that you’re intrigued, but not enough that you feel like you already know me. Because it’s the Internet, so you really don’t.

As you may have gathered by my profile so far, I think about things a lot. I will probably spend too much time looking at your uploaded photos and wondering what zoo every single guy seems to visit. Is it a prerequisite to take a photo with a tiger before you can date online? If so, would you ever take me to this mystical place where single bros hang out and chill with dangerous animals? That sounds like a memorable first date to me. I once saw a tiger at a magic show but I wasn’t allowed to touch it.

I should also be very clear about why I’m here and what I am looking for. I currently feel no pressure to settle down or get married, but I am also not interested in a casual hookup or an open relationship. I understand I will most likely have to go on plenty of dates before finding someone compatible, but that’s half the fun. I like dating and getting to know someone, and I guess I hope that by putting myself “out there,” my efforts will eventually pay off. That, or I will have enough material for a very interesting romance novel.

So if after reading all this you are interested in going out, send me a message. Or email, or however else you respond to people on these things. If you seem cute and nice and appear to have a home I will most likely agree to a date, but please know I will probably show at least five of my friends your profile first and get their opinion on whether or not you seem like boyfriend material. We have no scientific way of calculating that; it’s just something we do.

And, since I am being really honest, I have this naïve hope that maybe I’ll get lucky and meet someone on here who won’t be a total waste of time and will turn out to be someone I can really see myself with. But then again, I think deep down most of us have that same hope, it’s just that most of us are too ashamed to admit it—on the Internet at least. TC mark

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