I’m an expert at pretending to be busy on my phone to avoid talking to people. I attend a lot of networking events for various reasons and, being an introvert, they can be super scary sometimes. This is essentially what goes through my mind at almost every gathering.

1. I don’t want to be too early because there will be no one there to pretend to talk to.
2. But I don’t want to be too late because I don’t want everyone staring at me when I walk in.
3. Fashionably late. This is perfect.
4. Nametag. Just first name? Or first and last name? I’m not Cher or Prince, so first and last name it is.
5. Now does it go on my right or left side? On my shirt or on my blazer? Ugh.
6. Okay … great. I don’t see anyone I know.
7. I’ll stand in the corner and look at my phone like I’m answering some really important e-mails.
8. Facebook. Oh my God … someone else from high school got engaged?! And she’s pregnant?!
9. Kill me now.
10. Crap, crap, crap, someone is walking towards me.
11. Oh, never mind. He’s pretending to check his e-mail too.
12. Or maybe he’s super important and he’s actually dealing with a major business issue.
13. If he’s important I should probably introduce myself.
14. Anndd he’s walking away.
15. I guess I should wander around the room too.
16. Hm, she looks familiar. I’ll go say hi.
17. Do I pretend like we’re besties and I actually remember meeting her? Or should I be honest and tell her I’ve seen her face before I just don’t know where?
18. Good, she remembers me too from another networking event.
19. This isn’t as awkward as I thought it would be.
20. Shoot, someone else just said hi and gave her a hug. THEY must be besties.
21. La la la. Do I stay and listen in on their convo and hope I have something fun and witty to say?
22. Or should I pretend like something else has caught my attention and just walk away?
23. Nice! She introduced me.
24. Maybe we can all be friends so I’ll always know someone when I come to these events!
25. Now they both have to go to the bathroom. Two is company, three is a crowd. I’ll hang back.
26. There’s the bar!
27. Is beer too casual, will people take me seriously?
28. Wine is fancy, but it gives me a major headache.
29. Liquor says, “I’m high-class, but also hardcore.”
30. Vodka and soda it is.
31. Man, where are my new friends? They’ve been in the bathroom forever.
32. Oh my God, there’s the close-talker. Look away, look away.
33. He saw me. Crap. Why???
34. Jesus, his face is literally two inches from mine.
35. Does he think I’m deaf?
36. He obviously has no idea what “personal space” is.
37. At least his breath doesn’t smell as bad as last time.
38. Does MY breath smell?
39. I think I have gum. Is it rude if I offer him some?
40. Oh, time for a new drink.
41. Good, the close talker doesn’t need one.
42. I’ll be right back … or not.
43. Do I get vodka and soda again? I have a long drive home.
44. But if I mix it up I’ll probably feel worse tomorrow.
45. One more vodka and soda.
46. Mmmmm, I see the hors d’oeuvres table!
47. I’ll have one of those, one of those, two of these, four of that, and some dipping sauce.
48. Umm, I don’t see any tables.
49. How the hell am I supposed to hold my drink, hold my plate, and dip my veggies at the same time?
50. Careful, careful.
51. Haha, it looks like the guy next to me is trying to do the same thing.
52. Yes. You’re right, sir. This is really awkward. I’d also like to know why there aren’t any tables.
53. Oh, great. He’s another banker.
54. I don’t need a new bank but you seem nice and I don’t want to stand here alone.
55. Is he staring at my chest?! What the hell, pervert.
56. Oh, never mind. Nametag. Duh.
57. Now where do I put my trash? This is so annoying!
58. Aw, he offered to throw my plate away for me. How sweet!
59. Hey, he’s kinda cute.
60. I need a boyfriend.
61. Is this an inappropriate time to ask him out?
62. Who am I kidding? I would never ask anyone out.
63. Why isn’t he asking me out?!
64. Oh. Wedding ring.
65. Gosh, my life is so sad.
66. Alright, I’ve had enough socializing for one night.
67. I can leave early, right?
68. Screw it.