Anatomy Of A Drunk Text

We’ve all been there and done that. It’s 2:30, 3 on a Saturday morning. Maybe you still out or maybe you’re on your way home and you have struck out and the thought of going home to an empty bed saddens you. So you think to yourself “Whatever.” You finish the rest of your drink in one mouthful. Squish you face in a grimace, try not to vomit into your hand, grab your coat, and stomp out of the bar.

You go outside into the cold, dark busy street and pass the smoking area and as you open up your bag and pull out your phone to check the time. 2.46am. You wobble down the cobble stone road in you heals, where the main strip of bars and clubs, one arm wrapped around your body and the other smoking one of your last cigarettes for the night. You know in the morning your mouth is going to taste like shit but at this point, you really don’t care. You look down one of the alleys and you see a nice couple who probably just met tonight, the girl pressed up against the wet wall, one leg wrapped around the guy. “I didn’t want that, but maybe a little of attention tonight would have been nice,” you think to yourself wistfully. It is always wistfully.

You have made it onto the bus you check the time again. 3.02am. The night bus is going to take you at least another half hour in the event there are no crazies on it tonight. You check your Facebook ‘cause you checked in earlier with your friends and you want to see how many likes that’s gotten you. “Adam Andrews and 4 others like your check in.” Your heart stops. Why is Adam Andrews — the guy who ended things a month ago and haven’t really heard from since — is liking your check in?! You open it up to give that guy a piece of your mind, and you squint to read the last message he sent you 2 weeks ago. It was sweet, it said he was sorry things didn’t work out and yet he still wanted to be friends. And he forgives you from the last time you messaged him at 3 in the morning. So you decide to respond to this short, sweet and direct is the best foot forward.

3:08am. You: I miss you

3:16am. You are pleased with this. You know that something like that he will have to respond, and you rationally think to yourself. “He will be awake; it’s the last Friday of the month. He would have been paid today and probably went out with the boys.”

3:23am. no response yet, that’s weird. You message him again.

You: Hey what you up to? 😛 (The tongue pokey is key here. It shows that you’re flirtatious but casual at the same time.)

Now that you have asked him a question, he definitely has to respond, because that’s rude if he hasn’t. You go back to your Facebook and check how long ago he liked your post. “Adam Andrews liked your check in about an hour ago.” Being a creepy stalker has never felt so good. He liked it an hour ago, an hour ago. Of course he still must be up! Wait – why isn’t he responding to my texts yet?? You go back into your messages. Three in a row within the space of 10 minutes, better make this one look better.

3:28am. You: Woo!! Soz im a little drunk!! Wish you were hereeeeeee 😛 😉 (This time, you put in a wink face because you know he wants some of this.)

Now you sit and wait. You text your other friends in the meantime to see if they made it home alright. You refuse to take your phone out of your hand just in case you miss a reply from them.

3:35am. The bus finally arrives at your destination. You a few other night owls pile out of the bus, giggling and shouting as they spot a McDonalds down the street a little. You’re hungry but you’ve had so much to drink already you feel so full. You pull out another cigarette, and look around the street. A couple of cabs drive past. Your woozy head starts to feel a lot clearer as the cold night air flushes against your skin.

3:40am. Why hasn’t he still responded? You make another rational decision since you have another 10 minute walk back to your flat, and you have to go down some dark alleys. “I’ll call him.” That way at least you know if he is asleep, that will wake him up and you can at least speak to him and maybe even persuade him to come over. It’s so dark around you that your phone screen is overly bright and you squint to see the names. Your press a button and look up as you run across the street, take another pull from your smoke, and lift the phone to your ear. Why isn’t he picking up…. You look at the screen again and hang up. You message him again — at least in a drunken stupor, you have manners. It’s so rude that he isn’t responding to you. You spent all that time together and he doesn’t even have the decency to answer your messages. What, like it’s okay to still be Facebook friends and like all the things you do on social media, but when it comes to actually talking to one another, that’s where he falls short! Typical.

3:45am. You: what is goin on?? I thought we are friends now?!!! And your ignoring me?!!! I don’t get you, your e so hot and cold. I really thought we had so ething special. If you still want to, I’m home now you can come over and just twlk things though. I miss you and I’m naked and waiting 😉

That’ll teach him!, you think as collapse onto your bed.

11:15am. You wake up to hearing sounds of the construction site a little down the road. “Who the hell works on a Saturday morning?!” You scramble to find your phone whilst recollecting the night earlier. It was a pretty good night, all in all. Had a dance, a few shots and caught the bus home because your trying to be more savvy with your money these days… or maybe you couldn’t find a cash point and cab…. That part’s a little blurry. You get to your phone as it fell down between your bed and your dresser. And the battery has died. After connecting it to the charger, the messages pile in.

Steph: Where are you?!

Sam: Where did you go?!

Nicole: Get home ok? You shoulda seen the guy I brought back! Call me immediately!

Adam (work): I think you messaged the wrong Adam? Lol hope ur ok x

11.20am. You scramble through your messages as your try to put together the pieces of the end of the night. Oh lord. You turn your phone back off, and put your face in your pillow and try and go back to sleep and promise yourself to never go back out in public again.