1. You catch him having sex with another woman.
2. He acts like you’re a stranger, asking you questions like, “How you got into my apartment?” and “Who are you?”
3. He looks completely terrified at having been caught.
4. He inevitably puts the blame on you, throwing around phrases like “take any valuables you want,” “why are you just staring at us,” and “please, please don’t hurt me or my fiancée.”
5. He has shifty eyes. For instance, perhaps they shift between you and his cell phone, you and his cell phone, you and his cell phone, until he surrenders and grabs his phone.
6. He frequently overreacts. He might even call 9-1-1 after you’ve caught him.
7. He repeats himself a lot. Again and again, over and over, he asks, “Who are you?” “How did you break in through the deadbolt?” “Is that blood on your shirt?” and “Is the doorman alright?”
8. He gets you extravagant gifts. His watch, all the money in his wallet, his “fiancée’s” earrings, etc. He tries to buy your forgiveness with material things.
9. He avoids the real problems in your relationship, choosing instead to focus on the police officers who have just arrived at his apartment. This is also a metaphor for his general attitude towards the relationship.
10. He’s prone to hyperbole, such as, “I swear I’ve never seen this woman before in my life, officer” and “Please free me from this waking nightmare.”
11. You remind yourself that you’ll be better off without him. He’s probably sleeping with the officer who’s arresting you now anyway.