History has asked us
to solve many a debate,
to answer the hard questions
that seal our own fates
Paper or plastic?
Chicken or the egg?
Nsync or Backstreet?
Gun control or powder keg?
But no debate compares
to crowning a king for our queen:
Who belongs with Rory Gilmore?
Logan, Jess, or Dean?
A fanbase divided
duked it out in chatroom fights
Friends picked sides
They did not go gentle into that goodnight
Dean built her a car!
And he’s so tall!
But his personality was boring,
his literary world small
Jess lived in Rory’s realm
of language and books
But his thorny, rough edges
could not be overlooked
And rich playboy Logan
could quote Kant or pull a prank
But was he a bad influence?
Would Rory walk the plank?
We thought we had all the evidence
to bang our bedazzled gavels
We thought seven seasons
constituted these characters’ travels
But God made Netflix
and Amy Sherman-Palladino
Rory Gilmore will ride again
and so will her three beaus
For the millennium’s greatest revival
Czuchry was the first ex in
I pumped my first into the air
because I’ve always been Team Logan
But then Padalecki and Ventimiglia
were each reported to have signed on
So I took a deep breath and knew
the debate was far from gone
Into their thirties, who’s best
for our hotshot news editor?
Who has time been kindest to?
Who is the fiercest competitor?
Dean is probably a contractor
with his own business in Stars Hollow
He eats the same thing every day
His Twitter’s definitely too boring to follow
Jess probably teaches English
at an East Coast prep school
He’s the new Mr. Medina
He’s still way too f*cking cool
Logan’s probably in Silicon Valley
Innovating and making deals
He definitely got his pilot’s license
I am definitely still head over heels
These beautiful men
as different as can be
all have one thing in common:
each still pines for Rory
Logan’s love of adrenaline
outweighs Jess’s mystery
outweighs Dean’s carpentry
Dean, Jess, and Logan
are all comparably handsome
but only Logan can match Rory
and that’s why he’s the one
So lay down your arms
Team Dean and Team Jess
Logan will propose again
And Rory should say yes
Although I wouldn’t hate
if Palladino crowned a surprise bae
What if Rory’s meant to be with
Chilton badboy Tristan Dugray?
The greatest debate of our generation
has once again launched from its port
Viewers are still divided as ever
This fight could go to the Supreme Court
So, President Obama,
“Change” and “Forward” were OK slogans
But whoever replaces Scalia
better be chanting “Team Logan”