Everybody’s favorite guilty pleasure is back on the air and this time it’s Ben Higgins handing out the roses to a hot mess of wannabe wives. I wasn’t picked to be on the show this season, but if I ever am, here’s some things this feminist will do to make Abigail Adams proud:
1) Get out of the limo and hand the Bachelor a copy of The Vagina Monologues. First impression rose in the bag.
2) Not steal the Bachelor away while he’s talking to someone. He can come find me if he wants. I’ll be on the couch reading the newspaper or quoting Malala Yousafzai.
3) Start a rumor about one of the other girls: she’s soooooo nice!
4) Call that person a woman instead of a girl.
5) Negotiate a fee to appear on the show, because my time and pun-filled talking head segments would be worth a lot.
6) Wear my wetsuit in the pool. Or a one piece. Or a bikini. I’ll wear whatever the hell I want.
7) Start a book club in the house so we have something other than boozing and bitching to do.
8) Ask the Bachelor how he would fit into my life instead of tell him how I’d fit into his. Sorry, buddy, but if this works out we’re not automatically moving to your city. Mine’s on the table, along with the rest of the globe.
9) Not quit my job.
10) Actually run away from my phobia instead of “conquering it for love,” because it’s an actual phobia that cannot be cured by a dreamy dude dating 25 women. If only.
11) Not thank the Bachelor for setting up the romantic atmosphere or cooking the amazing meal he obviously had no hand in arranging. I’ll think him for his company (if it’s good company), but let’s give props to the hard-working men and women off camera who light and feed us.
12) Actually eat on a date.
13) Never say “I believe in the process” because I aced statistics and there is no mathematical reason to believe in this process.
14) Date men on the crew or Chris Harrison or a man back home if I want at the same time because double standards are gross. If he’s dating around, so am I.
15) Slut shame no one.
16) Go to bed. Sorry Mr. Producer, I’m not staying up till 4 am so you can get me exhausted enough to cry. These tear ducts will not be cajoled.
17) Beat the Bachelor at something if I genuinely can. Not gonna hide away my fast swimming and cycling skills to make him seem more macho.
18) I’m not here to make friends. JK. That’s totally why I’m here! Female friendships are the best!
19) Wear flats. So I can run away in a jiffy.
20) Not go on the show in the first place.