So you got ghosted. You’re super-annoyed and curious. What happened? Is he OK? Is he in a ditch somewhere? Has he been taken captive? In all reality, he probably just lost interest in you, but that’s no fun to believe, so here are some things you can tell yourself to nurse your bruised ego.
1) He contracted a rare, non-Googleable disease and is in quarantine without a phone (or a cure).
2) He had a mental breakdown after realizing he’ll be 60 by the time he pays his student loans back.
3) He works for the CIA and you were an integral part to his mission to save the world, but he had to move on to keep you (and the entire human race) safe.
4) He got in a terrible water skiing accident and lost his memory. His body remembers the perfect curves of your body, but his brain doesn’t.
5) He was struck by a bolt of creative lightning and has locked himself in a secluded cabin in the woods to pen the greatest novel of our generation.
6) His mother/father/sister/brother died and he’s too depressed to do anything, least of all text you.
7) He has been sucked into an alternate TV reality like the plot of Pleasantville.
8) He joined a cult and they have a strict no-hotties-from-the-real-world policy.
9) He was arrested for shoplifting laxatives and is too embarrassed to talk to you.
10) He was kidnapped by North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un, so he’s busy eating Swiss cheese and losing in golf to a man who learned to drive and sail at three years old.
11) He started watching Breaking Bad and cannot tear himself away from his TV.
12) He has been sent into space, and when he returns, he’ll be the same age, but you’ll be like a hundred.
13) He’s growing down like Benjamin Button and it’s too creepy for him to see you now, Mrs. Robinson.
14) He witnessed a Mafia crime and has been put in the Witness Protection Program.
15) He has been invited to tour a chocolate factory and then turned into a blueberry.
16) He lost his phone. For real.
17) He’s participating in a reality show called Make Her Go Crazy and you are being secretly filmed to see how long it takes for you to succumb to the infuriation of being ignored.
18) He found a time machine and is currently kicking it with America’s first settlers making sure slavery never happens.
19) He went swimming in the ocean and is currently living inside a whale.
20) He has been taken captive by terrorists and the greatest form of torture they can inflict on him is not talking to you.