You thought moving out of your parents’ house was a great idea. That is until you realize that this whole “paying rent” responsibility isn’t just a onetime thing, but it happens every single month. My advice is not to torture yourself for too long about all the other things you could have bought with the money that’s been ravaged from your account. Trust me, just don’t. Because at this point I could have crossed “Go backpacking through Europe” off my bucket list six times with that money and I think about that every time my greedy landlord cashes my check on the first day of every month. Rude.
Oh how I miss the good ol’ days when being hungry every twenty minutes was acceptable because there were limitless snacks in the fridge, bought just for you by Mom. It seemed so beautiful how the pantry filled itself with chocolate chip cookies, princess snacks, and canned ravioli. Those really were the best of times. Now you’re stuck convincing yourself that you can get full off of one meal a day because all of your produce has already gone bad and you ate all the Pop-Tarts two days ago within the first few hours of purchase. There is nothing left in your kitchen but a box of dry pasta and a few packs of oatmeal but you refuse to buy groceries because you’d rather spend your money on useless shit like the Kylie Lip Kit and red wine.
3. Car insurance.
I would ask why this is even necessary, but if you’ve seen me drive then you would understand. Full coverage for a young 20-something that waited way too long to get her license gives me the same horrible feeling paying rent does. But worse. If I don’t get into any accidents, does that mean I get my money back at the end of the year? Because that should totally be a thing.
Just no. When is someone going to create a car that runs off of desperation instead of $1.00/L of something that is slowly destroying our planet?
5. Dry cleaning.
THIS IS THE WORST DECISION OF MY ENTIRE LIFE. As someone who has recently decided consignment shopping is the best way to live as a consumer, I only have about three or four items left in my closet that are too expensive to throw in the washing machine. In the years that I have had these items, I’ve been wearing them over and over without washing them once. I know – disgusting, right? And so one day I came across a chocolate stain on a favorite Little Black Dress of mine and decided that enough was enough. I needed to be an adult and take care of my shit. So I gathered my few items and dropped them off at my parents’ go-to dry cleaners, expecting it to only cost about as much as a fancy restaurant meal. I was sadly VERY wrong. When I saw the receipt I choked and swallowed back regretful tears. Dry cleaning is so expensive that you might as well have bought something new or a flight to Neverland. Next time, I’m gonna rock that chocolate stain proudly and never try to properly adult again.
My absolute favorite part about being a woman is how we get paid less and yet somehow everything still costs more for us. Dry cleaning is one of those things. But so are haircuts. If you want to go to someone who won’t fuck over your life for a year by giving you horrid choppy layers, you’re gonna need to spend at least $50. Plus tip and that extra charge for blow drying? No thank you. I’m just going to shave my head and wear fancy wigs for the rest of my life.
7. Downtown parking.
If you have a job interview in the city or are meeting a friend at a popular spot, get ready to spend your entire life savings on one hour of parking. It’s moments like these that I miss my teenage years when I could make my parents drive me everywhere and it was still socially acceptable.
Does anyone actually pay for this? Because I’ve been bumming off other people’s accounts for quite some time now and before that people were bumming off mine. It’s the most natural cycle of life. I guess paying for your own Netflix is what ultimately classifies someone as a real adult; you’ve reached the top of adulthood, you are the adultiest adult. But there’s something about it being free and under someone else’s name that makes binge-watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer that much more appealing. Who knew Netflix could be so exhilarating?
9. Toilet paper.
I do not understand how human beings can go through toilet paper so fast. When you’re young, it always seems like there are endless rolls beneath the sink and you never have to worry about how much you use. And then you get your own place and realize that that shit actually cost money and so you have to limit each person’s use to three-squares as none of you want to go out and buy it. Even buying it the first time around created an ultimate roommate war. But you basically have to keep buying it until you die so there’s really no point in fighting it anymore. Fun, right?
Back in the day, “going for drinks” used to mean spending $7 on a six-pack of beer and carrying it over to someone’s dingy home who had an old broken and stained futon as a couch. You would chug all of them during power hour and then steal free shots of cheap vodka from the drunkest guy in the room. Now, going for drinks means driving yourself over to a loud bar and spending $12 on one fancy cocktail that’s not even going to get you drunk. I would much rather drink at home alone then have to pretend I only want one drink because that’s all I can afford. Like, come on. No one has that kind of self-control. This is why wine bottles need to come with straws.
Going on trips used to be a ton of fun when you could pretend to be independent by carrying your own passport and seat tickets tightly in your hand throughout the airport. But now that you actually have to pay for the flight too, independence doesn’t seem so desirable anymore. If you have friends that live far away, get ready to spend the majority of your paychecks on round trip flights to visit them because that shit ain’t cheap. Not even Flight Hub has got my back on this one.
12. Grad school applications.
Life is beating you down with every failed job application, so you decide going back to school is the best option for you at this point, as bachelor degrees don’t mean shit anymore. But then you realize that actually applying for grad school is more effort than the work assigned to you at your shitty day job, and it cost about as much as you make in a week just to submit your half-assed application essay. Hey mom, can I borrow $500 to further my education please? I promise I will pay you back once I get a job in 15 years.
13. Work clothes.
Time to replace those ripped jeans and band t-shirts with shoulder-padded blazers and dresses that never even think about going above the knee. It’s bad enough that the clothes are hideous and make you feel old, but now you have to use your music festival money to purchase them. Instead, how about just get a job that won’t turn you into a modern societal office job suit monkey? Because wherever those jobs are, I need one too.