1. The Arrogant Asshole
This guy sucks. I hate this guy. He’s overconfident and way too sure of himself to even be human. He’s opinionated and always trying to start an argument. You can’t tell if he’s being genuine with his words or if he is just trying to cover up for something that’s missing in his life. Like the great ones say about guys like him, “Maybe his dick is so small because he took 3/4s of it and put it into his personality.” You swear you only made out with him because you were drunk but really you were just a naïve, insecure freshman…or maybe it was both. Either way it doesn’t matter. We’ve all been there.
2. The Emotionally Damaged Musician
His dark eyes make you melt and the way he says your name makes you want to cry happy Fan Girl tears. He spends the whole night staring at you from afar. When you are up close he strips you with his eyes and looks into your soul with his sexy, tortured, mysterious smile. Gosh, he is too beautiful for words. But he’s been around the block plenty of times long before he even turned 18 and he doesn’t mean a word he says to you. He’s practiced that look before and you know this even as you let it have its power over you still. This one is dangerous so please for the love of all that it is good, wear protection.
3. The Foreigner Who Looks Like Aladdin
He was only drawn to you at first because your obnoxious group of friends would scream/sing “Prince Ali, fabulous he, Ali Ababwa” every time he walked by. And you were the tallest or the blondest or the curviest so he checked out the first one he could see. He would laugh and flirt with you thinking that you were singing it to get his attention, but really you were just singing it because he had a striking resemblance to the sexy animated character himself with a Latin twist. You know he’s bad news but you’re bored and kind of in love with his best friend so you decide to go for it. What the hell, right? Why not? He’s a great kisser and way more “experienced” than you, which is why he is so quick to move on to the next one. You decide that the heartbreak was worth it, because you got to ride on a magic carpet for ten whole seconds.
4. The Scientific Genius
Nobody said it was easy; it’s such a shame for us to part. Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard. Oh take me back to the start. There is something way too appealing about a really smart guy. Adorably nerdy and as socially awkward as they come, the scientific genius will have a hold on you before you even know. He will kiss you at one of his first parties with the taste of his second beer. He will steal your breath with his innocent, puppy dog eyes. And then he will never talk to you again because no one ever taught this lovely coward of a man how to talk to a pretty girl. No one ever taught him there is no need to solve a chemical formula for choosing to follow your heart. The scientist will leave you with plenty of words unsaid and blaming yourself for everything that went wrong. His ego will grow with every millisecond and he will start to represent someone you don’t recognize anymore. He spends his off days talking down to people for his own self-preservation and believes he is the smartest guy in the world. But if he can’t fix his own damaged personality, then people aren’t going to give a shit about his intelligence in the real world.
5. The Bieber-Haired Manwhore
That’s the thing about freshmen: You keep getting older and they stay the same age. There is no better rebound than the adorable, blonde-haired, blue-eyed Justin Bieber lookalike. It’s only October and he’s already kissed half of the party population, which is why he is the easiest choice to help you get over that lying, cheating ex of yours. You seduce him on the dance floor and pull his face onto yours. He doesn’t live up to the fantasy. But he’s still a super cool guy and you both laugh about it for years to come. “Remember when we made out that one time?” “Why yes, I do.” *High-Five*
6. The Sexually Confused Volleyball Player
There is something about a tall, feminine man that appeals to their targeted audience. And they are even more appealing to those who they don’t even mean to attract. The Sexually Confused Volleyball Player plays on the team with a lot of your close friends. He is friends with people who have broken your heart and takes a personal interest in you when he drinks too much at parties. He knows he is attracted to men but he still finds himself occasionally attracted to women. He will flirt with you at parties and stick his tongue down your throat without asking first. “Sorry,” he says. “I just felt the urge to kiss you.” Score.
7. The One Who is Way Too Obsessed With Your Body
Being a woman is hard enough. But having a scandalous body on top of that and you might as well hold up a sign that reads: PLEASE OBJECTIFY ME in big fancy letters surrounded by illustrations of cute kittens and pizza. Just because it’s there does not give you the right to touch it. You will kiss plenty of these in your lifetime, but there is always one that takes it too far. He grabs your butt when you walk by at parties and talks about how hot he thinks you are even though you are pretty sure your mascara is smudged across your face and your mustache is visible with the shitty lighting in your room. This guy is full of shit. He’s better when he’s sober.
8. The Super-Hot and Openly Gay Alcoholic
As a straight woman who identifies as female and is most of the time attracted to men, there is always that one homosexual man that can turn your world upside down. You realize that: 1. Life isn’t fair because; 2. He dresses better than anyone you know and his hair is always on fleek. He compliments you and makes you feel happier about your forever alone relationship status. He gets more tail than ten straight guys combined because he just loves to show affection through kissing strangers. Which is why he will make out with you at a costume party and become your best friend soon after. “How did you two become friends?” “Oh, we made out at a party when I was dressed as Karen Smith from Mean Girls. Then we just went from there.”
9. The Brazilian Soccer Player
Tan skin, green eyes, and the softest hair you will ever touch in your life. He may even taste like cinnamon. Thanks, Fireball whiskey. You never really considered him before because he didn’t seem like your type, but attraction is a universal language. Too bad English is not. His inability to understand your sarcasm will be the end of that twenty-minute relationship.
10. The Christian Hypocrite
After all the athletes, bad boys, and gay men you have kissed, you finally decide to do it right this time. Everyone thinks he’s perfect because he’s really into the whole Jesus thing. He’s charismatic, a great leader, and the most charming person you’ve ever been around. He lights up a room and makes everyone laugh. He’s really good with words (too good with words) and you could talk to him about anything. Too bad he’s full of shit. Because he may say things like “I believe a man should touch a woman’s heart before he ever touches her body,” but he won’t actually live by them. He won’t respect your boundaries and he won’t care how sober he is when he kisses your intoxicated mouth. If any man is dumb enough to admit he thinks he’s a “good guy,” there is no reason at all to believe him.
11. The Experiment
You’re at a party with your best friend/roommate/soul mate as you are every weekend, and the same baby freshman has been following you around all night. You try to talk to him to be nice and see what he wants, but he stutters on his words while he stares down your shirt. And seven minutes later, there he is behind you again. Staring. Just staring. “Kiss me so he goes away!!!” your best friend/roommate/soul mate says. So you grab her face and start kissing her until he goes away. Her boyfriend gets a picture of our lips touching with my hands around her face and saves it on his computer forever. I think to myself: This kissing a girl thing feels totally normal to me. I would probably do it again. Sexually is on a spectrum, after all. Amiright?
12. The Comedian
When a group of people have gone quiet, you know it’s ’cause he just walked by. He’s the one who makes everyone laugh. A guy’s guy, a ladies’ man, and the person anyone would date if they could have him. He’s athletic and stylish, funny and smart. His smile is adorable and he’s easy to talk to. He’s someone you would want to hang out with just because of how cool he is; just so you can be in his presence. He starts flirting with you and you’re graduating in a week, so you shrug and think might as well. You make out with him against the wall of someone’s house in front of all your mutual friends but still have no regrets because you finally get to cross him off your list. The Comedian is nothing to be ashamed of. He’s lighthearted and fun. He may even be your best friend’s cousin. Sorry, Madi.
13. The One You Didn’t See Coming
It could have been because you didn’t know the other existed. It could have been that he was always in a relationship and you were always in love with somebody else. Or maybe you just thought he was an asshole and didn’t want to fawn over him like every other girl in the school seemed to do. Maybe his love just seemed too far out of reach. Either way the story goes, you will always have that one person you didn’t see coming. This person will make you realize that people are much more than they appear; that we are not the sum of only what we see. He will call you beautiful without expecting anything in return and he will make up for all the wasted time you spent with everyone else. If you’re lucky, you may start out with this one. I was lucky to have had him at all. Plus he buys you doughnuts. It can’t get any more perfect than that.