True Sex: I Was A Married Swinger

As part of an ongoing Thought Catalog After Dark series, we will endeavor to bring you the True Sex tales of everyday individuals. For the first installment we asked Denise, a 30-something, married professional, about her experiences with Swinging. If you would like to share your real experiences, email afterdark@thoughtcatalog.com.
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How was your sex life before marriage?

Denise: It was okay, nothing spectacular – we probably had sex a couple of times a week. At the same time though, my husband was my ‘first,’ so I didn’t really have anyone to compare him to.

How was the sex once you all got married?

Denise: After we got married…it was okay. It would have been better had my mind fully been into it…but stress played a huge part in that. The sex definitely improved over time and became much more pleasurable.

How did the idea of swinging come up?

Denise: He brought up swinging – it was something that he’d been into before me. The way it came up wasn’t all that pleasant to be honest. It was just before our first anniversary and we were ‘going thru it.’

What was his reason for introducing it?

Denise: He said he thought that swinging would help me to open up more because it would be a complete 180 from how I was then…I’d essentially get to be someone else and be as freaky as I wanted in a safe environment. He also said that he didn’t want to cheat on me and that swinging would help with that.

What was your gut reaction when he suggested it?

Denise: I was TERRIFIED!!! I thought that he wasn’t pleased with me. I felt like I was lacking, but at the same time, I was intrigued. It took a lot of conversation and reading for me to finally be like, “Okay, I’ll try it at least once.”

What was your first swinging experience?

Denise: We threw a swingers party at our house with some friends that my husband knew: there were MAYBE 20 people there. It was our first party, and there were too many guys…about 12. We learned from this to be really selective in the single guys that we allowed in.

Did you each have rules/restrictions, and if so how did they affect your enjoyment?

Denise: Our rules were…no kissing, no performing oral on others, and always use protection. In the beginning, the restrictions were cool with me because they were a sense of comfort. In swinging, there are a lot of couples. If you want to play, men talk with men and women with women…then they go back and talk with partners. If all agree, you play. That first party, since we were hosts (and my husband HATES wearing clothes)…we decided to kick things off since this other guy was interested in playing with me.

What happened with him?

Denise: Aww…this was funny! So, we’re in my office and I began giving my husband head while the other guy was getting me from behind – he came in less than 5 minutes! Meanwhile, other folks are watching all of this…my fraternity brother being one of them. When the other guy finished, my fraternity brother went, “Wait, that’s it!! You’re done?? Oh HELLLLLSSS NAW!!!!”

Hilarious! What was your next experience?

Denise: My one-year anniversary gift was a threesome with another woman. That was interesting: I’d never played with a girl before, so I was beyond nervous.

How did you all know her?

Denise: She was a friend of the woman we threw the first party with. She loved sex, and ate kitty like nobody’s business. She also gave me some head game tips…including deep throating and using the muscles at the back of my throat to massage the tip of his penis.

Why did your husband arrange the threesome?

Denise: The goal was to make me relax and cum multiple times. I cried during that experience – I’d never experienced pleasure like that, it scared me…and it was from HER giving me oral and making me cum. Then HE entered me during that wave and made it happen again. We all learned that day/night that when I orgasm, I squeal loudly.

The threesome definitely got you off physically, but did it in fact ease the tension in your marriage at the time?

Denise: It did for a while because we began talking more…but it didn’t last long term. We talked more after each experience, partly because we’d always have a ‘good/bad/what the hell’ for the night.

When was the next swingers party, and was it different than the first party?

Denise: Probably about two weeks later. Our rules relaxed as time went on: for example, it was selfish for people to perform oral on me and I not return the favor. I remember the first time I saw a guy with a curved penis…I was fascinated, and wanted to see if I could deep throat him. We were at a party at a friend’s house, and three women were pleasuring this guy. He was eating one chick out. I joined in the party and went down on him. He stopped what he was doing to see who was doing him, and he gave me the ‘thumbs up.’ That did something to my ego: I felt great!

How did the frequency and enjoyment of the swinger parties correlate to how things were in your marriage at those times?

Denise: We talked more but there was still tension there. We still had sex but it wasn’t always as enjoyable. He also said and did some things that made him unattractive to me. For example, he’s a person into polyamory and I’m not.

Explain that.

Denise: He’s into having more than just a sexual relationship with another woman – he was interested in us having a girlfriend. I’m cool with being friends with folks and having sex on occasion, BUT I’m not trying to date another man or woman.

What was his rationale?

Denise: His rationale in a sense was that it was in his nature and that he naturally wanted to love many people. I was somewhat fearful and distrustful a little. At one point, a girl that we played with moved in with us for a few months due to her dealing with some stuff and getting kicked out of her parents’ place.

How did that go?

Denise: She was a cool chick and I didn’t mind her living there. But with him working from home and her looking for a job…I honestly believe that they had sex when I wasn’t there…especially when he and I weren’t having regular sex. I couldn’t prove it. My gut tells me that they did at some point. He enjoyed her head skills. She was also the first woman that I ate out.

I see. At what point did the swinger parties start to wane?

Denise: Probably around our second year of swinging, going into our third. We began doing individual things at home, and we’d invite over a couple that we were interested in playing with. There were a couple of times that I took one for the team because he was feeling the woman but I wasn’t into her partner. I told him about that afterwards: he was upset that I didn’t say anything sooner.

When did you two last play with another couple, and how was it?

Denise: We last played with a couple at a friend’s house in July. It was cool. Sex was overdue for both of us. Apparently, the woman had been waiting to get at me for a while. She enjoyed eating me out and I enjoyed the experience. They enjoyed my head skills and this guy is one of the few who’s gotten me to squirt via penetration – he’s about the same size as my husband, who’s fairly large. It was definitely a much-needed release.

How have things been between you and your husband since?

Denise: They were tense for a while since we’ve been discussing divorce. We had sex in September…which was the first time since the July incident. I told him while he was inside me that night that I thought we’d make better friends than spouses. Sex that night was good. I finally got him to cum and then I cleaned up and went to sleep.

At the end of the day – and outside of the physical pleasure experienced – did swinging add to or detract from your marriage in any other ways?

Denise: Swinging added to it in that it helped me to open up and to be more comfortable in my own skin. It resulted in us talking about some things that we may not have discussed otherwise. I learned a lot about him and myself and made some good friends. I definitely wouldn’t suggest that a couple do this to fix their marriage issues.

But it’s not what caused you to consider divorce, right?

Denise: No. Divorce was an issue before swinging. I think swinging was the antiseptic that helped open my eyes to some things, such as how he truly is/can be.

I really appreciate your candor. Do you have any parting advice for those in or considering the lifestyle?

Denise: Thanks for giving me the opportunity to share. As for parting advice, go into it with your eyes wide open. Drop whatever you THINK this is and accept it for WHAT it is. It won’t fix your relationship, but if you’re completely open and honest, it can definitely enhance your relationship. Test your limits. If you want to try toys, do it. Go at your own pace. If you can, find a group that’s like family. I love the group that I’m in. If you can’t do anything with them outside of the bedroom…they may not be for you. Remember that at the end of the day, it’s about the people and NOT about sex. It’s still a party at the end of the day…it just may be a Neapolitan party instead of a vanilla party. TC mark

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