I know that sounds ridiculous. I picture a dapper Wall Street exec eyeing a disembodied lotus flower in Penn Station, lewdly whistling as it passes. But in all seriousness, if we expect to receive gratification as men, shouldn’t we bestow the same upon the objects of our affection? Of course we should – and I mean the whole of her, not strictly the “holiest of holies” (© Jules Winnfield). If gratification is what you seek, try paying it forward by doing the following:
1. Make a mental connection
A mutually satisfying sexual experience starts with what I fervently believe to be the single most important ingredient to achieving orgasm: a mental connection.
Before we get there though, let’s consider a much-maligned notion in today’s sext-ridden culture – intimacy: the physical closeness and shared sense of anticipation that are precursors to any sexual fulfillment. True intimacy is impossible to achieve between perfect strangers, and without having developed a mental connection with your partner, that’s exactly what you will be to one another – strangers. So take a genuine interest in her. How do you go about that? Frequent those places and partake in those activities that YOU find genuinely interesting! That way you have a built-in conversation starter, and conversing about things that interest her is the first step to forging that mental connection. Since you’re already doing something that interests you (and can presumably talk intelligently about it), you automatically appear more interesting to her, and thus the seeds of intimacy are sown.
2. Pay attention
When you converse, pay attention to her responses (especially the non-verbal cues). This is the time to surrender the ego. People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care, so show her you do by listening – at least twice as much as you speak. Stephen Covey perhaps put it best: “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”
It has been hypothesized that women decide in the first 7 seconds of meeting whether they find you sexually desirable, and if the conversation persists beyond that initial meeting, it’s safe to assume her assessment of you was favorable. Therefore, it’s incumbent upon you not to fuck things up by talking too much! The quickest way to blend in with all the other assholes out there is to talk about yourself too often, so distinguish yourself by being an active listener. Steer the conversation down a lane she finds comfortable by asking open-ended questions that cause her to constantly expound upon whatever points she makes. Have no time limit with this – your patience will deliver in spades down the road.
3. Be vulnerable
Deliver on points 1 and 2, and she will be begging to know more about you.
When you do open your book to her, don’t be bashful about what you share. That intimacy you seek doesn’t materialize by you holding back: for every impulse you reserve, she reserves a piece of her heart (and ultimately the rest of her). Conversely, for every “secret” you share (and by secret I only mean those truths about yourself you previously were afraid someone would use against you), she shares something of value in-kind, to the point where you both laugh uproariously about common experiences, fears and hurts. This quid pro quo is absolutely essential to meaningful human interaction, and, when done right, sets the stage for an irresistible sexual connection.
4. Don’t be desperate
Though every genuine interaction you have (wherein you’re practicing points 1 thru 3) leads you towards that gratification I spoke of earlier, sex should be the furthest thing from your mind. After talking about yourself, the next-quickest way to “be that guy” is to initiate sex too quickly. Entirely too many horror stories abound of first dates ruined by the strong-armed approach to “dessert at my place.” The solution? Take it out of your mind completely. If you’re into visualization, model yourself after George Clooney when you’re in the early stages of dating: that smiling, self-deprecating, and completely present you that is perfectly blissful simply in her presence. I’m a firm believer in energy, and that which you emit while in George Clooney mode is attractor energy – while the energy you emit out of desperation is undeniably a repellant. If you do find the two of you back at your place after a beautiful evening together, resist the pressure to rush things to the next level: if she gets cold while you’re watching that movie, you can cuddle together under covers – but leave it there. If you demonstrate enough restraint to spend the night together without trying to sleep with her, she’ll trust you that much more the next time she’s in your bed.
5. Put her pleasure FIRST
By being diligent in the above, the chemistry between you two will naturally culminate in intercourse – and having practiced conscious awareness, you will know precisely the moment. Still, don’t rush in headlong: savor the entire experience (as you have every step of the way). Since you haven’t been desperate, her attraction for you is about ready to drive her insane. Delay the inevitable. When she moves to unbutton your dress shirt, draw her in for a prolonged, passionate kiss, picturing that mental connection now manifesting itself through all of your erogenous zones. Undress her slowly, taking inventory of every inch, and let her know how beautiful and irresistible you find her.
Even though she’s mentally comfortable enough to be intimate with you at this point, she likely still has some degree of body-consciousness being naked in front of you for the first time, so immediately put her at ease by complimenting the hell out of her – first with words, then with your fingers, lips and tongue. As it is with any artist, your use of the canvas is limited only by your imagination, but the point is still to listen and respond to what her body is telling you. She’s placing an enormous amount of confidence in you by surrendering her mind and body, so honor that by being a generous lover. Orgasm for men is primarily a function of time and repetition, so take for granted that you will achieve yours. Focus your whole being on pleasuring the entirety of her. Think of yourself as a matinee idol, and your life’s work is to bring the crowd to its feet at the end of your performance. That’s the best compliment you could pay to any woman (her vagina included), and the surest path to having that pleasure reciprocated.