This Year, I Will Not Let Pain Win

Alexander Ronsdorf
Alexander Ronsdorf

One year ago today:
My heart and my head colliding
It’s a match to the death
Negative thoughts bombarding me
I can’t take this any longer I can’t maintain this façade
I feel like I’m a mistake
Like every breath I breathe I’m not supposed to take
Like I’m stealing air from people I love
I don’t remember how to love
All I see is an end
My life has no more beginnings
Just the beginning of the end
And my mind is winning
I keep fighting day in and out
But this boxing match is close
It’s like Muhammad Ali versus Joe Frazier
It’s the Thrilla in Manilla
And it seems that my demons are Ali
My head is spinning and my heart is breaking
I need help
I need help
But I can’t ask for help
Why don’t I feel like my life is worth more?
I can’t go on pretending
But I can’t ask for help
I need help
I need help
But I can’t ask for help
I need strength I need some encouragement
It’s my fault
I caused myself this pain
I am the problem
So remove the problem and the problem is solved?
It doesn’t add up
I need help
I need help
But I can’t ask for help

That was a year ago today
I didn’t want to die, but I couldn’t handle the pain of living anymore.
A year ago today, I decided to take my life.
A year ago today, I didn’t think I would see the end of 2016.
A year ago today I didn’t see a way out.
A year has passed, and it hasn’t been easy but I’m here. A year ago today I asked for help
This year has taught how resilient I am.
This year has shown me my beautiful heart.
This year has taught me that being anxious and depressed is okay.
This year taught me that I CAN ask for help.
This year I found out who my true friends are.
This year made me grateful for my family. This year made me grateful to be alive.
The demons in my head wanted me gone
But I’m still here, bitch; Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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