5 Things Women Should Stop Being Afraid Of

1. Bugs

Bugs suck. They look like scary little aliens who want to kill us and eat our remains, and they’re dirty/gross. But they’re everywhere, and there’s nothing we can do about it. I think it’s been scientifically proven that if bugs stopped existing, people would stop existing, so suck it up and deal. It’s time to realize that you have all the power in the Women vs. Bug battle. You are roughly 1,000 times the size of any moth/spider/silverfish, so woman up. If you’re like me (terrified by everything except ladybugs) tell yourself “You is smart, you is kind, you is important,” then get a can of Raid and go to town. If you’re a tree-hugger who would rather die than kill a living thing, capture them in a glass jar and release them back into the wild while softly chanting a Buddhist verse. The fact of the matter is, if you’re over 18, having a crippling fear of bugs makes you annoying. There’s no way a bug can take your life (unless it’s a black widow) and even then, there’s this thing called “modern medicine” that will provide you with anti-venom so you don’t lose your leg. (Side note: This is more me hyping myself than anything else.) Moving on!

2. Your vagina being ugly

There is no such thing as a “normal” vagina, trust. Vaginas come in all shapes and sizes, and you need to memory erase, Men In Black style, whatever porn you’ve watched that’s made you believe your vag needs to be hairless, pink and small. Yes, I know I wrote a chapter in a book about a girl who gets a labiaplasty on her “hideous” vagina, but that girl is a fool. A lovable fool, but a fool nonetheless. I’ve talked to a bunch of guys about this, because I wanted to know if they really care at the end of the day what a girl’s vagina looks like, and you know what? The majority of them say that all vaginas look about the same to them, because they’re just happy being next to/inside of one. So get over your vagina woes, because life could be worse. You could have a tiny penis!

3. Straight men

Straight guys are interesting, they’re funny, and often times they’re far more complex than they seem. Yes, they can be assholes, but they can also be brotherly and amazing. This is a weird one for me, because straight males accounted for the majority of my friend circles during my teens/early 20s. I loved hanging out with dudes. Then I moved to LA and all my straight man friends were replaced with gay man friends, which was just as enjoyable, but definitely different. Suddenly, I was dating straight guys instead of friending them. I started to lose my mojo, and soon enough, the Straight Man became my Moby Dick. I sought him, yet I feared he would destroy me. I was so intimidated! Especially when they were tall, hot and acting kind of rude. However, one day I realized that, in the dating world, straight guys are pretty easy to figure out. It dawned on me that if they’re pursuing you, they want to sleep with you, and you are in total control of where/when/if that happens, regardless of whether or not you want to sleep with them. Boom! No fear.

4. Aging

You are going to get old. Your face and body are going to age, and eventually you’ll be a little, saggy, wrinkle-lump of a person. But you know what? If you’ve made it that far, at least you’re still alive! Unless you’re Gisele, you really don’t need to worry about aging because your livelihood is not based on your looks, thank God. However, if you want to live a totally preventative lifestyle, you can wear sunscreen, work out, abstain from alcohol and cigarettes, drink eight to ten glasses of water a day and get at least eight hours of sleep a night. What’s that? How are you supposed to have any fun on this anti-aging plan? YOU’RE NOT! Because fun ages you; it turns you into a different version of yourself. Too much fun will force you to learn scary life lessons — some that you will hopefully look back on one day and laugh and laugh and laugh about with your saggy, wrinkly friends. If you’re inclined to be all “OMG nooooooooooooo!” about getting old, there’s always plastic surgery. But you better start making that money, honey, because facelifts ain’t cheap.

5. Ending up alone

“When am I gonna find a man? When’s it my turn? When will I get married?” = THE WORST. You are not going to be alone forever! Get off of Facebook and start enjoying the single life while you still can. Right now, you are totally free. You don’t have to wake up at 6:30 a.m. every day to make breakfast for your demanding family and take the kids to school. You don’t have to deal with your husband’s receding hairline, or expanding waistline. “Baby weight” is not part of your vocabulary. Additionally, the whole “Where IS he?!” question is so lame. It makes you sound like you’re standing around and waiting for the relationship stork to deliver a boyfriend to your doorstep. You have to put yourself out there. If you want to get married badly enough, trust me, you WILL get married to someone, somewhere. But right now, make the most of your time to hang out with your friends, sleep in, work jobs you hate, work jobs you love, go a little crazy, date some weirdos, and then settle down. There’s a chance that you may not even be married (or be with a man) toward the end of your life, but unless you’re a total asshole, you’ll have some friends, and maybe some kids who will see you through your twilight years. A friend of mine gave me a pin a few months ago that said “You are all you need,” which is some deep truth. You are actually all you will ever need. Think about it. TC mark

image – Shutterstock


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  • Angela

    Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

  • Kate

    Love this.
    Buuut… can I still be afraid of bugs? ‘Cause me and sir cockroach ain’t ever gonna get along.

  • http://gabydunnthoughtcatalog.wordpress.com Gaby Dunn

    Babe, you can’t tell women not to be ashamed of their bodies and then make fun of small penises. This advice is great for everyone! Not just females or female-identified people.

    • womp

      gaby dunn, you’re the one!!!

      • Elaine

        Somehow, that rhymes.

  • Hayley

    Sorry but I have seen some really freaky looking vaginas. The inner lips hanging down is just…the worst.

  • Christin

    WOW, spot on! Like, all girls are sooo obsessed with getting married and it’s like, super stupid to have an insecurity because boys still want to fuck you so why would it matter??? TOO TRUE. Like u can’t be serious with these insipid SATC trops… This article is like the 2012 equivalent of “Who needs a man when u have two–Ben and JERRY LOL! Am I right, ladies?” no1curr

  • http://gravatar.com/leejgrace GJL

    As a female, I can’t relate to any of this. But thanks for perpetuating bad stereotypes about women :)

    • Cait

      Agreed, GJL. This author clearly needs to expand her horizons a touch.

    • xoxo

      Seriously! What is up with TC these days?

  • KAI

    Then men, please stop pressuring us and making us feel afraid of numbers 2, 3, 4, and 5. Honestly.

  • http://twitter.com/alisonwisneski alisonwisneski (@alisonwisneski)

    I recommend living in southeastern Arkansas, not fearing bugs. let me know how that goes.

  • Anna

    Nothing like women patronizing other women!

  • slp

    “if you’re over 18, having a crippling fear of bugs makes you annoying”

    Ha ha! People with phobias! Sooooooo annoying! Amirite?

  • http://duncansomerside.wordpress.com duncansomerside

    Love this and it works for sure for men and women. As a gay man, this is perfect. Minus the whole penis thing, we shouldnt be obsessive about that either, the the motion that counts!

  • g.o.

    Women shouldn’t be held to emotionally damaging standards that make them insecure about what their genitals look like… but men should! HAHAHA small penises, those guys should totally just kill themselves, right?!…… ¬__¬

  • Jeannie

    Well, this was delightfully patronizing. Did you just take the first five stereotypes about women you could think of?

    As someone who almost died from a spider bite, I’m terribly sorry if my fear of bugs annoys or deeply offends you, but who are you to completely belittle and insult someone’s fears like you get to decide what fears are justified and what aren’t? I’ll “move on” on my own fucking time, thanks.

    • http://gravatar.com/sarahebee LKB

      I really think you took #1 way too seriously – she means the whiny women who see a little bug and freak even if they aren’t really afraid of it – it’s a “to get attention” kind of thing. Have you’re fear, but no need to go apeshit on the author.

  • http://www.facebook.com/rebecca.raymond.3 Rebecca Raymond

    I am not afraid of straight men I am gay. I have met a male who was petrified of bugs and he was over 18, it was a disorder…and a lot of vaginas I have seen in porn were very stretched out like a balloon. The only thing I agree with is the vagina thing, but other than that..this seems like a sexist article even though it was written by a woman… weird…

  • Jackie

    Awesome! Great article so true

  • http://gravatar.com/jasmineomtaylor Jasmine

    Lame. I am a woman and have never been afraid of those things. These are 5 things people should stop being afraid of. All people.

    • http://smilescavenger.wordpress.com smilescavenger

      Agree – I can’t relate to most of this stuff (except maybe aging because I’m afraid of dementia and losing my independence). Straight men compose the majority of my friend circle. Though, as a lesbian, I might not count as part of this article’s target audience. I’m okay with that.

      But I will say that due to cultural norms, expected gender roles, media portrayals, etc. a lot of women incorporate these fears into their identity (clearly none of the previous commenters, but I wonder who’s going to admit to it after that slew of criticism?). I hope those who have are able to recover from them. Same goes to any guys who suffer from these fears as well.

  • Olivia

    I am a lesbian who is TERRIFIED or being alone. But I don’t need no man.

  • http://twitter.com/heronkady10 Kady Heron (@heronkady10)

    Very interesting topic you have there. Thank you for this!
    Saving Thousands of People Hundreds of Dollars a month. Join the club today. Just click -> http://www.saversclub.us

  • http://mangopeels.wordpress.com quantumtheory

    i still remember back in school, me and the guys used to put fake bugs in the girls hair or in their bag, and it used to be fucking funny xP

  • Jessica

    I used to kill bugs for my ex-boyfriend because HE was so afraid of them. My philosophy is, as long as they are a reasonable size and don’t possess stingers, fear is not an option.

    Something like a tarantula, though? All bets are off. (I know spiders and tarantulas aren’t really bugs, but whatever).

    Also, the 17 years cicadas that emerged in the Midwest in 1999 were fucking terrifying for no reason other than I had never seen them before.

  • Mindy

    This is just the weirdest thing….just after reading the first point, a beetle flew into the room and my goodness i hate beetles. But I believe your post gave me the strength to kill it! Breakthrough. Thank you.

  • http://makeupandmirtazapine.wordpress.com makeupandmirtazapine

    The last bug I encountered was a red back spider (I was on holiday), I think fear and avoidance was very much the order of the day with that one.

    And are there genuinely women in the world who worry about what their vagina’s look like? Who are these people? And what on earth is wrong with them?

    Spot on with number 5 though.

  • sarahebee

    Does anyone see that this article, albeit sarcastic, is meant to be fun and liberating toward women? It’s saying you know what? Don’t sweat the small stuff – life is too short to freak out about asinine shit – even though we will, because we’re human – this article is a nice reminder that we need to just let some things go.

  • mycorrhizae

    why isn’t “other women” on this list?

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