I’ve never really been into The Bachelorette until this year. Yes, I watched some of last season, but couldn’t really invest in the drama because (let’s be real) Ashley was a douche. Smash cut to Emily Maynard: living Barbie doll. Nevermind that she’s had copious amounts of plastic surgery in order to achieve physical perfection, because that doesn’t really matter in TV land. The Bachelorette is about what’s on the INSIDE, it’s about finding LOVE, and it’s about finding a stepfather for Little Ricki! Where was Little Ricki in this past episode, by the way? Did she fall off of the boat en route to Croatia from London? Was she having fits of rage because no one understands her needs, rendering her unfilmable? Let’s just say I’m concerned.
The only thing you really need to know about this season of The Bachelorette is that Emily has the power to reduce a grown man to a puddle of tears. She manages to demasculinize every male contestant in some way, and watching her conquer these poor unfortunate souls is not only entertaining, but it also makes me feel superior to all straight men in general (which is probably bad for my dating life, but whatever). Even the guys that come across as total jerks and never break down are made to look totally pathetic in their attempts to woo Emily, she’s that good! My favorite, FAVORITE part of the show is when the guys go in for a kiss. Every single one of them has a different tactic, plus Emily has basically made out with all of them by now, so America has gotten to watch them suck face and judge accordingly.
Chris is very pointy and very shy. Before his first kiss with Emily, he ASKED her for permission to kiss her. Nothing is more of a boner killer than being asked to be kissed, am I right? You’re better off just going for it and asking questions later.
I want to be clear on one thing: I love Arie, but I feel for him because he is so affected by EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS ON THE SHOW. In this week’s episode Arie was a wreck. Until he knew he was totally safe, you could practically see him dying on the inside. Like, he was completely jaundiced at one point. This is crazy because Arie and Emily have made out more times than Emily and any other contestant have, but it’s not that crazy because if you study Arie’s kissing style, you’ll see that he is of the “much too eager” school of making out. Let me clarify: to describe Arie’s kissing strategies as awkward would be doing him a great disservice. His last makeout sesh with Ems featured him leaning in, mouth open, tongue out, just READY for it. Too much, Arie, too much.
Oh Jef with one F. I can’t get enough of this guy. Sometimes I quietly whisper “Jef!” over and over to myself, because it feels so amazing rolling off my tongue in one swift syllable. His name is like a sound effect, and so aptly sums up Jef’s cool-as-a-cucumber persona. Of course, Jef (who always plays his cards right, might I add) waited to kiss Emily until they were both in London. I personally love it when a guy I’m seeing won’t kiss me until the moment’s right, and I think Emily loves it too because *spoiler alert* Jef is one of the final three.
Ryan’s a dick. Thankfully, Emily realized this and gave him the ol’ heave ho, but not before he snuck a kiss (or should I say “snaked” a kiss, because that’s really what it was) while the two were performing the final scene of Romeo and Juliet during a group date on episode five. So basically, Ryan’s the guy that you’re “kind of into but not really sure about” who kisses you for the first time in public so as to a) mark his territory and b) be as noncommittal as possible. Yuck.
Sean is smoking hot, but he kisses like a passionless cardboard cutout of a man. His strategy is to place his mouth against Emily’s and remain totally still, until one of them is forced to break away due to the fact that neither of them have moved a muscle for over 30 seconds. How can you even tell if you have chemistry with someone if you don’t know what their tongue tastes like?
Is there anything actually wolfish about John, aka “Wolf?” No, nothing whatsoever. I like to think that his deaf, dumb and blind uncle gave him that nickname as a baby. Anyways, Wolf had very little screen time up until this most recent episode when, in a final bid for relevance, he told Emily that he’s carried around his grandparents’ death cards since 1999. Side note: what exactly is a “death card”? Is that a Catholic thing? Then Wolf cried, and out of nowhere just planted a big wet one on Ems. For me, this would have been a series of red flags, as I am really turned off by tears and emotions leading up to a first kiss, but for Emily it was rose-worthy. Well played, Wolf.
By the end of each episode, I’m often left wondering how Emily manages to make out with multiple guys over the course of one night, and my theory is this: Emily never initiates a kiss, but she also never refuses it. She even wrote this on her blog today: “The afterparty was clearly a lot of fun for me, and I honestly didn’t realize I had kissed so many of the men. Oops. There’s not much I can say to defend myself other than if you can’t kiss a bunch of cute boys when you’re the Bachelorette, then when can you?” When can you indeed? Keep on keeping on, Em dawg.