Here’s How It Felt When You Hesitated To Love Me

nydia hartono
nydia hartono

You called me up one night and told me you didn’t know if you still loved me, and that you thought you were now capable to move on to someone else. It didn’t come as a surprise, we’d both been worn down by our fights, but it broke something in me nonetheless.

Then you drifted farther and farther apart from me; you fed me more lies and you started suffocating in them. I watched you fall apart in front of me, and I wanted to pick you up and dust you off.

But I was more broken than I have ever been, and my strength couldn’t carry us through anymore.

So I wore my heart on my sleeve, braver, more daring than ever. Look at me, look at me being genuine and patient, look at me being trusting even when you can’t trust yourself! Watch me fall apart just to remind you desperately of all the qualities you used to love me for. I can prove it to you again once more, I can make you love me again!

And you did, you slowly came back. You stopped being so angry towards me, you tried loving me back. You started pulling me towards you more, you started leaning in.

But you shouldn’t have.

Because turns out, you weren’t ready to love me again. No, not fully. You were hesitating, and each moment you tossed and turned with a different decision of whether you loved me or not.

I didn’t think I could hurt anymore but I did.

Every morning a nightmare as I awake, gasping for air, my heart thumping all through my body. I scratch my nails on my arm to grab hold of reality; I clench my fist to find some strength left inside of me. I am suffering, in every one of your hesitant moments to love me, or to not love me.

I die a little more inside watching you struggle between someone else, or me.

So even though I still miss you, and even though I still want you to love me back, I’m going to be the person who makes a decision this time around.

I choose me.

I know you need space, and I know you need time. But I am not going to sit around and pathetically pray for your love everyday. I am going to love myself all the times you can’t, and even when you can, I will remember to put myself before you.

I am going to paint my own sky with stars of happiness. I am going to surround myself with friends and family who choose to love me each and everyday. I am going to become stronger, kinder, more generous with the love I give and more positive with each step I take. And if you can’t love me again, I’m sorry, but at least this time around, I will know how to fall back onto a world of my own that is just as beautiful.

I choose me, and I am going to keep reminding myself until I don’t have to anymore. TC mark

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