Long-term relationships are indeed real life’s blessing. Because certainly not all are privileged to have the chance to hold on to something that’s real, something that you know will be constant or something that you feel that would really last forever. Not everybody gets to find the love that’s worth holding on for too long. Most of the time; hook-ups and casual dating are what is prevalent in our dating games nowadays. One night stands, Tinder apps, online dates and speed dating are making a trend. Nothing really last that long and for a girl who’s only been into two long-term relationships, both six years in the making, one can say, she’s definitely one lucky chick.
I’ve already planned my future with someone more than once. All our dream houses, dream jobs, long term plans and names of future children were all like stunning castles in the sand, something that’s been so beautiful were just repeatedly washed over by the waves on the shore. I keep on remaking, recreating, thinking this time would truly be consummated then eventually all that’s left is nothing. The process is repeating itself leading to failure again.
It’s heartbreaking, painfully twisted, and tiring. There it came to a point that I don’t want to plan again, I don’t want to commit again, I don’t want to listen to promises, I hesitated to be fully engaged and be happy in love. Fearful that one day, all these years of investment might just lead into separation. And you repeat again, again and again. You make memories again with someone new then those memories will eventually hurt you. You will remember every quirks, you will miss everything, every place; knowing that one person will never be found again in anybody. Then you’ll eventually end up being impassive, a girl who doesn’t give everything in love, high walls are slowly surrounding me leaving me unavailable, distant and non-committal. I used to be so patient. I don’t give up till I’m already worn and tested enough then I eventually, I became someone, one who easily runs away after seeing one petty little bad trait. I end up ending a lot of potential relationships that I won’t certainly know which really is the one, when I gave up way too early.
Indeed, jumping from one long term to another long term relationship can be excruciatingly exhausting. You get to repeat the long process all over again which eventually leads you to cynicism, you’ll end up believing that nothing lasts forever. No matter how beautiful one relationship can be, you’ll eventually expect that the next one will pretty sure end up just like all the long term relationships you’ve been into. Was is it me? Was it them? I don’t certainly know. But it’s extremely painful to watch every relationship I’ve been in from gradually morphed from something that’s dreamy and fairytale like, all the happiness and the visions of forever gradually fading into routines, not just routines but boring routines, taking each other for granted then fading into just tears, broken hearts that leads to the dreadful ambivalence of attachment or letting go or opting to find something better and new. Whenever someone makes me smile again, that lurking thought inside of me never cease to disappear, thinking that this happiness is only temporary. It always made me believe, this will never last until that person who’s trying to make me smile would finally became tired of how unsatisfied I can really get. It lead me to think, maybe it was my fault, they all just slipped away cause maybe I didn’t hold on for too long. But I could only tolerate and be patient just as much. Or was it their fault?
And so, I end up trying again. I fall in love again. I hoped again. I am feeling it all over again. I have faith again, that this one is going to be it for real. And you repeat this process as many times as it takes. Until somewhere on your repeated heartaches, you’ve grown skeptic, cold and tired. But still, something inside of me longs that somewhere out there, someone will make me believe again. And not just making me believe again. But someone who can prove to me that everything that I once believed is true and that he’s the very reason why it never worked out on anyone else and it will be right here, right in front of me forever.