1. In Florida, a mysteriously clogged toilet turned out to be the work of a particularly stubborn iguana. The iguana noted that while he wasn’t proud of himself, he knows he’s not the only one whose gone such lengths to retrieve his phone.
2. A squirrel shut down parts of San Francisco on Monday, as approximately 45,000 customers went several hours without power. The squirrel is believed to have descended from the Delladova family of squirrels.
3. Colorado will serve host to CannaCamp, which is being billed as the first ever camp in which guests will be able to bring their own pot to smoke. Again, this is the first ever camp in the entire history of camps guests will bring their own pot, and then proceed to smoke that pot.
4. Seattle is planning on installing ping pong tables in parks in an effort to curb crime. Clearly, Seattle has never seen a ping pong match on YouTube.
5. Police are on the case in Devon, England after a woman woke up to find over 100 gnomes lined up on her property. The woman will reportedly be allowed to keep the gnomes if nobody claims them within 28 days, and/or if murderous gnome prophecy doesn’t come to fruition.
6. The city of Paris is saying goodbye to love locks on the Ponts Des Arts bridge. The locks are being replaced by street art, and other strange hobbies people tend to try post divorce.
7. A study was released that claims chimps have the “mental skills to understand the concept of cooking.” It does not appear that the study applied the same logic and reasoning to your roommate James.
8. A New Jersey man was sentenced to prison after robbing the shame shoe store that he was caught robbing fifteen years prior. Police reports indicate that the same clerk was behind the counter, and that ‘Boyhood’ director Richard Linklater was super pissed for missing it.
9. A man was dismissed from jury duty for showing up in a prisoners costume. The judge told the man could’ve been found guilty of contempt in court, or worse, terrible Facebook status.
10. Two seventh graders in Serbia have been apprehended after storming a classroom with a plastic pistol and taking the teacher’s grade book. The school has responded by installing video surveillance, and urging students to go back to side-eyeing their neighbor’s scantron.