1. A Maryland couple is suing their realtor after discovering their newly purchased home was infested with snakes. Reports indicate that the realtor knew the snakes were in the house, but assured the couple that she and her real estate friends would be gone before move in.
2. A 91 year-old Illinois man purposely backed an SUV through a garage door, fulfilling a long-time wish. In preparation for the man’s next wish, the local mayor has issued a mandatory evacuation order.
3. A sex education teacher is in hot water for taking middle and high school students to a sex toy shop. Reports indicate that if you were thinking about posting this on Facebook to launch a hard-hitting tirade about America, you could also just sit this one out.
4. The Montana Highway Patrol recently ran into a man whose car contained five beehives and thousands of bees. Although the driver technically wasn’t breaking the law, the trooper strongly advised the man to remove the bees from the car, and promptly take them to the doorstep of his ex-wife.
5. Scientists are baffled by thousands of worms appearing on a Texas roadways following recent floods. One theory suggests that the flooding saturated the ground so much that the worms were forced to move. Another suggests that your brain is alive, and it’s coming to eat you sooner than you thought.
6. A man was sentenced to at least a week in prison after driving a zamboni drunk. No word on what’s happening with the t-shirt cannon guy who’s shooting out all that meth.
7. A New Zealand rugby player took time out of his rugby match to catch a dog with a rabbit in its mouth. Elmer Fudd declined comment. He also said that this wasn’t a story, and the fact that the media thinks it is both troubling and sad.
8. A former FBI agent allegedly used cash received in drug busts for lavish spending in Las Vegas, among other things. He’s being charged with three counts of obstruction of justice, two counts of money laundering, and one count of “possibly worth it.”
9. A recent study at Quinnipiac University claims there is a 60% chance that your toothbrush is covered in fecal matter. It’s unclear as to whether or not the study took into account those who don’t room with 23 year-old assistant marketing managers named Dan.
10. The White House is asking 4th Graders at a New Hampshire Elementary School to come up with a name for 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue’s new hawk. When it’s all said and done, PoopyPants the Hawk will be amongst our greatest national heroes.