1. Get a nice, fresh batch of Flubber:
Flubber, if you recall, is a critically acclaimed film about the true story of Professor Robert Mayfield, who developed the green, bouncy substance to substantially improve the vertical capabilities of basketball players. As we all fondly remember, Mayfield and Flubber was basketball’s answer to BALCO.
2. Tap LBJ On The Shoulder, But Make Sure It’s The Opposite Shoulder:
Tough to pull off, but undeniably effective. LBJ would be beyond embarrassed that he looked the wrong way, and probably never be able to shake off the humiliation.
3. When The Series Shifts Back To Golden State, Ensure LeBron Flies With Spirit Airlines:
Even if the Warriors lose Game 4 and go down 3-1, employing this method will pretty much guarantee the series heads back to Cleveland for game 6.
4. Make Sure His Supporting Cast Can’t Help Him:
If only Golden State could somehow prevent Cleveland’s other two all-star caliber players from stepping on the court for the remainder of the series, they’d probably have an actual shot at containing LeBron.
5. Slip Him A Copy Of Gillian Flynn’s ‘Gone Girl’ A Few Hours Before Tipoff:
Did Nick Dunne murder his wife or not? This is the only thing that’ll be on The King’s mind.
6. Kidnap David Blatt:
This one is definitely pretty immoral and highly illegal, but LeBron would have no idea how to run the offense without coach Blatt — just as he was incapable of functioning without coach Spoelstra, or coach Brown.
7. Send Him Down The Facebook Rabbit Hole:
The King has a laissez-faire approach towards social media during the playoffs. But if the Warriors got him onto Zuckerberg’s playground of joy and happiness, it’d only be a matter of time until he’d begin to doubt himself, as he’d inevitably start comparing his lackluster accomplishments to that of everyone else on his timeline.
8. Acquire Polyjuice Potion, And Become The 2014 San Antonio Spurs:
This would also require a time turner, and another obnoxious Harry Potter reference for good measure. (Little known fact, LeBron’s patronus is actually just the 2015 version of himself.)
9. Surround Him In A Cocoon Of Vitamin Water:
History has shown that when LeBron is surrounded by Vitamin Water, he tends to make decisions that cripple the basketball infrastructure of the Cleveland Cavaliers.
10. Get The Cleveland Team Managers To Deflate The Balls:
Even if the Cavs went on to win the series, such a scandal would simply be too large for the King to overcome.