1. A recent study has suggested that listening to heavy metal, punk, and screamo may actually make you calmer. Field tests have shown that this relaxed mindset does not extend to the music listener’s next door neighbor.
2. KFC was accused of serving a customer a fried rat, after the customer posted pictures of a meal that geometrically resembled a rodent. Lab tests confirmed that the entree was in fact chicken. KFC further confirmed that the only rats at their establishment are the double-agents who end up pledging loyalty to McDonalds.
3. Sixty of Italy’s best pizzamakers converged on Milan to create what’s now officially the world’s longest pizza. The pie was 1.1415 kilometers long–which converts to approximately three bites for your drunk friend Steve.
4. Massachusetts newlyweds have just won $15 million from a lottery scratch-off ticket. The couple plans to buy a house, pay off student loans, and have a much more exciting divorce.
5. North Korea claims they’ve developed a drug that can cure AIDS, Ebola, SARS, and MERS. In related news, North Korea’s leader has also claimed he can eat two Chipotle burritos in one sitting.
6. A New Jersey man was arrested at Newark Liberty airport after smuggling marijuana in wrappers of a candy called “Mary Jane.” Mary Jane is a common name for marijuana, as well as the name of a major character 47 Spiderman movies ago.
7. A brave kitten stared down a mountain lion in Colorado, and is now the subject of a viral video. In related news, people accrue hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of college debt to become television reporters, with the intention of reporting the news.
8. An Italian couple has made headlines after running out on an airport tarmac to stop a plane in Malta. The couple was arrested, fined, and forced to watch that airport scene in Liar, Liar in order to see how it’s done.
9. A Cheap Chic Wedding contest recently hosted a contest where designers were tasked with creating dresses made from toilet paper. Reports indicate that the whole thing has to be a metaphor for the long-celebrated marital tradition of throwing money down the toilet.
10. A case in Australia has revealed that skinny jeans can cause severe nerve damage. This follows a report that revealed skinny jeans can also cause severe damage to one’s dateability.