1. The Collective Misery Brigade
The sole purpose of g-chat, arguably, is to provide the user with a sanity-outlet during work, class, or a particularly terrible Facebook scroll.
It is here in which two best friends, both miserable in their own ways, join forces to create a misanthropic super-team. It’s like the Avengers, but for complaining about how chip companies only include like 7 chips per bag.
2. Person Who You Completely Blew Off Last Saturday
I’m primarily scared of G-chat, because it’s filled with people who I abruptly cancelled plans with on Saturday.
This often, represents a dilemma; while you don’t necessarily want to insinuate superiority and remain hidden, the cons of green dot vulnerability often outweigh the pros. Being available on g-chat at the same time as someone you’ve recently ignored is always a virtual middle finger of sorts. And no matter what side of the ignorer/ignoree equation you fall on, that reality never exactly feels good.
3. Guy Who Thinks You’re Gonna Be As Into The Link As He Is
We all play this role; upon seeing something that turns us into a virtual internet lizard, we get irrationally excited and have no choice but to vomit out the link/article to the g-chat friend who will “totally get” the web content in question.
Sometimes though, the intensity of that excitement doesn’t match up to the strength of the video or article. Other times, the person you’re sending the link to actually has some work to do.
4. Girl You Haven’t Talked To Since Before One Direction Was A Band
If two otherwise-acquaintances briefly g-chat about a group project during their junior year in college, they are hereby required to remain on each other’s feeds for the next 12 years.
— G-Chat Constitution Section 301, Article IV
5. Mike Ehrmantraut
This is semi-forced, but these things are all about references that seem good. Anyway, Mike Ehrmantraut is the guy or gal who you know is probably there, but is mysteriously hidden through the shrouds of invisibility. Send Mike a message, and he’ll probably respond.
6. “Don’t Bother Me, I’m Working On Busy Business”
The human who goes out of his or her way to be red on g-chat. Don’t bother them, they are working!
Please, it would be a huge inconvenience for them to respond to your message. Definitely DO NOT contact them. They are WORKING.
7. Incoherent Status Guy
G-chat statuses are probably the closest thing we have to AIM away messages. Sometimes, they’re odd and personal, and don’t really make anyone outside of 2-3 people. Other times, they’re about how terrible the White Sox are. Either way, it’s always nice to know that there’s someone out there who operates exclusively in Oscar Wilde quotes.
8. Former Co-worker, Who You Could Now…Be Yourself To?
It goes something like this; a co-worker you’ve been relatively solid friends with announces that they’re leaving, you are and/or pretend to be sad, and you proceed exchange follow-up contact info.
Whether or not your friendship is strong enough to survive the out-of-work transition is unclear. Also — when talking to them, are you supposed to be yourself now?