1. An alleged bank robber has denied his guilt in the alleged crime, citing the fact that “he asked politely.” No word on whether or not funfetti cookies were also involved.
2. 40,000 bees were recently removed from a New York City home. Reports indicate that the bees have found a new place, but are furious about the exorbitant broker fee.
3. A Pennsylvania family says their daughter’s Sweet 16 was ruined when an airplane dropped actual human waste on the party. The birthday girl’s stepfather also added that these prom proposals are getting way out of control.
4. A man was arrested after breaking into a home, and then falling asleep on the couch. Authorities have yet to comment on the suspected involvement of the Netflix original series Marco Polo.
5. A Houston home is on sale for the price of $1 and a 200 word essay, after the current owners said they didn’t want the new owners to have to deal with the stress of a mortgage. Reports indicate that the thousands of applicants are all crumbling under the stress of writing a 200 word essay.
6. The Boy Scouts have prohibited members from firing water guns at each other. Allegedly this was prompted by an ongoing legal battle with a very inflexible water gun company — who kept insisting that it’s nerf, or nothing.
7. Last Sunday morning, $175,000 worth of cocaine washed up ashore a Galveston, Texas beach. Down in Bikini Bottom, there are reports of an unprecedentedly irate Squidward.
8. A city councilman in Bremerton, Washingon has been challenged by his wife for his council seat. Reports indicate that Bremerton, Washington is actually just the 24th season of Parks and Recreation.
9. This week, an emu caused a highway traffic jam in metro Atlanta. Unfortunately, it appears that the emu deleted his facebook and twitter accounts shortly after the incident.
10. An alligator, in the midst of a live television segment, decided to relieve itself on air. No word on whether the alligator was courteous enough to put the seat down.