1. Residents in Telluride, Colorado were asked to turn off their lights late Saturday and early Sunday in an effort to help stargazers. In related news, landlords across America are adopting similar policies in an effort to “help stargazers.”
2. Nine brains were recently found next to railroad tracks in upstate New York. Reports indicate that upon discovery, the brains’ parents were beyond angry — and repeatedly asked them what they possibly could’ve been thinking.
3. A Branson, Missouri golf course is drawing considerable attention from geologists following the formation of a giant sinkhole. In other news, a handful of Missouri-based geologists have just qualified for the PGA tour.
4. A Chinese beekeeper broke a world record by covering himself with 1.1 million bees. He received 2,000 bee stings, and not even close to enough instagram likes.
5. Pope Francis has revealed he hasn’t watched television since 1990. This temporal television stoppage is consistent with many respected academic theories, which argue that the medium has become useless following the termination of Miami Vice.
6. Emilio Estevez, who starred as coach Gordon Bombay in the Mighty Ducks trilogy, took to twitter to cheer the Anaheim Ducks on against the Chicago Blackhawks. After the game, he sent a few emails to finalize the plans for Charlie Conway’s 40th birthday party.
7. A Massachusetts woman used her obituary to declare Tom Brady’s innocence in the deflategate scandal. Sources from Maine, New Hampshire, Vermont, and Massachusetts — as well as that random kid from your town who has “always liked the Patriots, he swears” — are touting this new declaration as definitive proof.
8. An Arizona woman has been sentenced to 3.5 years of prison after running over her husband for failing to vote in the 2012 election. The court sternly warned the man that he better pick the right person on this year’s American Idol.
9. An Oregon town has imported a fake killer whale in an attempt to curb the community’s sea lion problem. Reports indicate that the life-sized orca would be effective, but seems to think it doesn’t have a brain.
10. A picture of an elephant taking a selfie on a GroPro has gone viral, thus confirming speculation for what’s sure to be a completely unwatchable Jumanji 2.