1. Breathe. But not in the deep, meditative way that people do when they’re 40 and suddenly have nothing. Simply breathe loudly and inconsistently — so that you’re just enough of a nuisance to everyone else in the quiet section.
2. Tell people about all the coffee you’ve been drinking lately. Even if you don’t receive superior grades, at least you’re a superior person.
3. Find a song that you used to love, but totally forgot about. Use the various tools at your discretion — pandora, finals playlists, and the discography of Kim Carnes — to rediscover an old classic. Remember that the grade you get on your paper will probably depend on where it’s placed in the order of other papers, and whether not he’s already given out too many A minuses.
4. There’s this popular thing called the 80/20 rule, which states “80% of effects come from 20% of causes.” Meaning, 80% of your paper will be written in 20% of the time you devote to writing your paper. The only thing this law doesn’t apply is group projects — in which of course, 100% of the work is done by you.
5. Remember that in the end, it’s not about grades. Unless you do well, in which case it’s entirely about grades.
6. Sleep for 6 hours. But if anyone asks, you only slept for four.
7. Read lists like this one — while they don’t offer any real advice, they sure act like they do. Is this the verbal iteration of Marc from your History of Vietnam class?
8. Read more books. You could always be reading more, opening your mind, and learning about new things. What this has to do with finals is negligible, but you’re already on #8 so it’d be almost silly not to wait it out until 11.
9. Remember that when it really comes down to it, finals isn’t so much about studying as it is about seeing how many hours in a row you can sit in the same place and send useless texts.
10. With all those long hours devoted to watching old Owl City music videos, you’ll probably need a snack. Make sure to stock up on ruffles, pretzel stix, or anything else that has unlimited crinkle potential.
11. In the grand scheme of things, it’s not so much about doing well as it is about knowing how to effectively use the phrase “in the grand scheme of things.”