1. Arrive early, and present the hosts with two bags of chips. Eat both bags before kickoff. Then buy a third bag to give to Hansel and Gretel.
2. If someone asks why you’re wearing a ripped sweatshirt covered in five different types of honey barbecue sauce, ridicule them for not also dressing in Beli-chic.
3. Repeat your Facebook status about Deflate Gate to an audience of live humans. If they don’t acknowledge it the first time, be sure to speak louder so everyone can hear you.
4. Intensely criticize the commentators, and infer that you could do a better job than Al Michaels. If Al Michaels has the gall to continue calling the game, take command of the situation and arrange for a S.W.A.T. team to infiltrate the location.
5. Enjoy the lighthearted, fun entertainment provided by Katy Perry and the halftime show. Sincerely hope that none of Ariana Grande’s fans retaliate by casting the Dark Mark into the sky.
6. Repeatedly scroll through twitter, so that you can continue to exist in a hardened shell of misanthropy.
7. Whenever Rob Gronkowski makes a catch, punch the nearest window to show solidarity.
8. Whenever Russell Wilson completes a pass, shift the conversation over to E! News headline monster Pope Urban II.
9. Upon seeing a movie trailer ad for this summer’s biggest blockbuster, publicly proclaim how disappointed you are in Colin Farrell for not having any interest in Winter’s Tale 2.
10. Once a champion is crowned, tell everyone at the party that next year is gonna your team’s year — especially do this if your team is the New York Jets.