1. The Person You Know Everything About, But Couldn’t Have A Real Conversation With
Through the modern-day realities of the book of face, I know that a girl who I haven’t talked to in 5 years has an advertising job in Boston. I know that one of my friends is a staunch libertarian, and would likely revert into a twelve year old girl at a 5 Seconds of Summer concert if he was ever given the chance to meet Ron Paul. I know which one of my friends just lost a relative — which is particularly weird when you find out that information just after you find out how awesome Benedict Cumberbatch is in GIF form.
The older you get, the more and more you begin to cull your friend group. Unless you’re actively making defriending rounds (this might be a chore now), your Facebook friend group will never be culled. Rather, your Facebook will slowly turn into one of those parties where you’re friendly with everyone in attendance, but don’t really know anyone.
2. The Dream-Chasing Diary
Almost always in the music, comedy, or acting realm, the dream-chasing diary will take to Facebook to share every up and down of his or her aspirational struggle. Nowadays, the excessive posting is often just the reality of trying to be successful in that industry — while simultaneously offering an entertaining, emotionally-driven window into the life of someone who, despite making some impressive progress, isn’t getting any younger:
Great gig tonight! The crowd was amped and even gave us an encore. For all those nights driving out to nowhere only to play for 3 people and get stiffed by the bar, this is what makes it all worth it.
You think you’re making progress, then you remember it’s Thursday and you can’t get booked.
Just a dream to always be working with such talented people every day.
3. Haley Troll Osment
On the internet, you see words without the cushion of the sort of tonal qualifiers that make them a little more reasonable — meaning that anything that might be deemed as slightly offensive in person (or through radio or podcast) will likely be multiplied times 44,000.
The Haley Troll Osment feeds off this — whether he’s actively looking to cause controversy or wants get a rise out of a group of people in particular, Hayley Troll’s blatant disregard of nuance provides for either great agitation or great entertainment. Hopefully, it’s the second.
4. Logan The Luddite
Once in a blue moon (or lagunitas), this 26 year-old male working in sales will voice how toxic online communication has become, and how he fears for the future of both the information age economy and general human interaction.
There’s also a pretty strong chance he’ll start talking a big game about reverting to a flip phone. Something that he “would totally do,” but can’t because of his job.
5. The Carefully Curated Link Sharer
Zuckerberg’s saving grace. The CCLS will post here and there, and it’ll pretty much always be something that you want to read.
Past CCLS’ on my feed have shared gems like this very hilarious story series, as well as this incredibly well-written article about the emotional pull of New York a few months after 9-11. In many ways, this person is very much worth the surrounding garbage.
6. Adam Schefter
For the unindoctrinated, Adam Schefter is ESPN’s lead NFL analyst who probably has a pretty expensive cellphone plan.
I think every newsfeed has an Adam Schefter — who, among other excellent things, sometimes preface statuses with a rather hilarious BREAKING:
7. Nikki Networker
Through the advent of tagging, thousands of underratedly awkward situations have unfolded over the past few years — having your friends hijack what you stand for and associate with is oftentimes harmless, but certainly not always.
Nikki networker has emerged as the master of the tag — crafting stauses, event descriptions, and comments in way that makes you unable to hate her. Every way you look at it, she’s making you look really good — which is something you probably have to reciprocate at some point.
But beneath all the mutual self-promotion, it all feels a little bit insincere.
8. The Sponsored Subplot
For the past few weeks, I’ve been getting this ad on my about refinancing for student loans for a company called “Credible”. It features a very happy couple, and the male’s shaved head indicates that they are officially adults. I thought about putting a screenshot here, but doing that feels like mocking the ad, which is not the intention.
Anyway, the continuous display of this ad on my newsfeed has prompted a lot of questions about this couple — and in turn, what I should be #aiming for. Should I move to the Pacific Northwest, and value an active lifestyle? Should I post how many miles I biked on Saturday? Should I get excited when broccoli is on sale? Does learning more about this company mean that I can suddenly become recently married, financially stable, and a year or two away from having a holiday photo featuring a small infant?
Is it possible to live a life as dreamy the one displayed in a Facebook sponsored post?