1. Mr. “Hangin’ Out With My Boyz”
Since 1974, approximately 77% of all male-targeted beer commercials involve a guy “escaping” the confines of domesticity to socialize with a bunch of other out of shape, balding men who seem to only find solace via raising bottles of bud light whilst celebrating a touchdown.
While these commercials are of course exaggerations, they’re definitely playing off a very specific “type” — one that uses sports in the way his girlfriend uses girl’s night. The wins and losses are important, but not as important as the fact that this is the only time your boyfriend gets to see Nate without also having to deal with his girlfriend.
“Hangin’ Out With My Boyz,” therefore, treats NFL Sundays the same way your fifth grade neighbor treats his weekly capture the flag game — a ritual that must be preserved at all costs.
2. Guy Who Can’t Be Talked To
Want to know if Rob & Tina are also coming to Drew’s housewarming party? You’re probably gonna need to text Rob or Tina.
For the next three hours, this guy will be about as functional as a level 5 Kakuna.
3. The Yeller
The yeller is an offshoot of the Guy Who Can’t Be Talked To, albeit exponentially more entertaining. From a dropped pass to dissatisfaction over how the grass isn’t cut properly, this man is incredibly good at raising his blood pressure for virtually no reason.
Best served when watched on YouTube.
4. Mr. Nacho Dip
I have a friend who makes this insane nacho dip. He’s also a big bay area sports fan, but I suspect he’s a bigger fan of his homemade nacho dip.
During every big game, he makes a point of inviting us all over to experience the glory that is his cheese, beef, and green chile concoction. This was always one of his huge selling points as a human, and I’m pretty sure it actually played a
huge (alright, very minor) role in helping him land a significant other.
5. Memorabilia Mike
From his Hartford Whalers t-shirt to his Vancouver Grizzlies Shareef Abdur-Rahim jersey, it’s pretty clear that Memorabilia Mike would rather spend $150 on a piece of Matt Flynn’s helmet than a nice dinner-date. This, most notably, will be his weird quirk — much like how Jimmy Fallon was a maniacal Red Sox fan during Fever Pitch, or how Steve Carrell was a action figure collector in The 40 Year-Old Virgin.
When it comes to weird quirks, there can most definitely be more cringeworthy attributes to deal with. Nonetheless, there will certainly be times when a vacation to Punta Cana will have to be put on hold due to an impromptu trip to the National Sports Collector’s Convention.
6. The #Influencer
You’re not really sure why he has the game on, because it looks like he’s spending the entire time on his phone or laptop scrolling through twitter.
Funnily enough, this is how he watches sports now. And apparently, watching sports also involves “fending off a ruthless Jets troll.”
7. The Weekend Bender
There’s this type of guy who exists in New York City (and really, everywhere. I don’t know why I had to bring New York City into it.), who I can’t help but admire. He wakes up at 11am every Saturday, wolfs down an egg sandwich, and heads down to his alumni bar for the exciting slate of college football games. He’ll spend the afternoon sort of watching the games, but mostly downing pitchers and looking for girls from college who don’t already hate him. He’ll take a brief nap, catch a bit of the Saturday Night Showcase game, and proceed to be a drunken idiot until 3am like he’s some kind of invincible sophomore. Sunday will be more of the same, only this time with an excessive amount of hot wings.
Granted this guy is usually single, but is constantly engaging in the sort of “not-a-relationship” relationships that tend to dominate #20-something# life.
8. Matty Mood Swing
Some people’s moods change based on the Mercury Retrograde. Others ebb and flow with the outcome of each Eagle’s game.
Whatever the fluctuation is, it’s important to remember that we’re all just looking for love. And 300 yards from Nick Foles.