1. Your breakfast, the most important meal of the day, is totally thrown off kilter.
Do you go to the bodega? Do you eat your cereal dry? Do you execute some insane operation and put orange juice in your cheerios?
There are crises, and then there’s this. Maybe you should’ve invested in a Slomin’s shield after all.
2. You’ll have to have an awkward conversation with your roommate Phil
Yesterday morning, there was just enough milk left for today’s breakfast. You even compromised your milk-to-cereal ratio (usually a staunch (40/60) ever-so-slightly in order to maintain an ample supply for today.
The only logical explanation is that Phil drank the last of the milk. A classic Phil move no doubt, but one that certainly can’t be shrugged off.
3. Dating becomes pretty much impossible
If ever-flattening wage stagnation and the rise in vapid hookup culture weren’t enough to scare you away, who could possibly be in the right mind for a date when you don’t have any milk in your fridge? Could you imagine bringing someone home under those circumstances?
4. The Orange Juice’s Ego Will Go Through The Roof
Without the presence of a stern milk figure, the orange juice will likely hold raucous parties over in the top-right corner of the fridge, allowing bad influences like leftover pizza and old blueberries to plant their wayward flags into once proud and freshly maintained refrigerator. This of course, is the deli locker’s worst nightmare.
5. The Oreos Might Get Bad Ideas And Instigate A Kitchen-Wide Revolt
Back in the old days, we used to be able contain sensitive information such as the an unexpected milk shortage. We’d be able to rectify it in a few days, and nobody would suspect a thing.
But now, in the age of twitter and vicious milk-shaming? Good luck!
6. You’ll start getting flyers and emails from radical candidates, like 2%, skim, and almond
You’ve heard good things about almond — that some of the things they’re doing actually make sense this day and age, and that hopping on the almond train may be a good move (particularly given the negative stigma of 1%.) But do they have to be so in your face about everything?
7. You’ll yet again have to find a way to let GoGurt down gently.
For a time, you loved GoGurt. You don’t necessarily regret the passionate fling, but it’s certainly become quite a headache as you’ve tried to cultivate a more mature relationship.
You’re pretty certain GoGurt only hangs out next to the milk to get a glimpse of you every time you hit up Ralphs. Which, despite making you feel sorta guilty, certainly makes sense. Ever since you’ve been with milk, you’ve been looking pretty good. Must be them strong bones.