1. An emu in Sheffield, England decided to take a lap around town during morning rush hour. Upon returning home the emu quickly turned down the volume on his headphones, so that his roommates wouldn’t know that he was listening to Break Free.
2. China is on the lookout for a rare Russian Siberian Tiger after it was discovered to have crossed the border, likely in search of food. Sources close to the tiger say his escape isn’t too surprising, as he’s one of those tigers who will go anywhere to get really good pork dumplings.
3. Earlier this week, a Pornhub billboard went up for a brief period of time in Times Square. After the billboard cleared its history it met up with his roommate to get pizza, and only felt a little bad when he gave him a hi-five.
4. Ark Encounter, a Noah’s Ark Inspired Theme Park, is refusing to employ people who don’t believe in the biblical flood story. Thankfully, like all great theme parks, they’re also refusing to hire anyone who legitimately wants to work there.
5. In an attempt to save money on water, the University of East Anglia is asking students to urinate in the showers. In an attempt to preserve his rich heritage of never stepping foot in the shower, Steve’s roommate is seeking transfer.
6. Two male kangaroos were caught on video fighting in the middle of the suburban street. Both kangaroos were heartbroken the next day when neither of their crushes were impressed by their black eyes.
7. Thailand’s traffic cops will receive money for refusing to accept bribes, as part of an initiative to curb corruption. No word on whether or not this is correlated to the recent trend of Thailand Traffic Cops showing up to work in private jets.
8. While robbing a casino, a masked gunman offered an apology to two employees, reportedly hugging them and kissing them. Based on this evidence, detectives were able to narrow the possible suspects down to Shia Lebeaouf or James Franco.
9. Google street view is being expanded to the desert, thanks to the help of Camels. One of the camels noted that while there were certain weird privacy issues associated with street view, he loved the fact that he was now working in an office with a ping pong table.
10. A New York Court has heard arguments that chimps have rights. The chimp in question expressed annoyance at having to sit in court all day, saying that the whole procedure was incredibly humiliating — and him feel like he was just some animal at the zoo.