1. The Perpetual Time Capsule
With every major last milestone — the last first day of class, the last halloween bash, the last time you pretend not to notice that dude you once made out with when walking by him on campus — this sentimental humanoid will make it a point to overemphasize that this is it. That it’s the last dance, the final hurrah, and the 40,000th time to cue the chorus to Closing Time.
You can generally identify PTCs by the tone of their Facebook statuses, which usually induce comments like “amen” and “well said.”
2. The Job Search Shamer
What? You only applied to 7 jobs this week? How pathetic.
3. The Guy Who’s Suddenly Into Nicer Beer
About two months before I graduated, something all kinds of strange came over me. Perhaps it had something to do with the ironed shirt I was wearing (I had just returned from a job interview), but the usual 30 pack of Keystone Light just didn’t feel right. So instead, I bought two six packs of Blue Moon. For some sad reason, I view this an important enough moment to include in an article read by real-live humans.
I imagine there is a girl equivalent to this, which involves wine and (quite possibly) cheese.
4. The Free T-Shirt Hawk
The events themselves may be mediocre, but the Lean, Mean, Class of ’15 t-shirts are certainly not.
5. Mr. & Mrs. Are They Gonna Get Married?
They’ve been dating since the fourth day of freshman year, and they haven’t so much as done anything but continuously hold hands for the past 3 years.
This year will be a nice fun game of are they gonna get married?, which you could most certainly spice up with over/under style bets.
6. The Obsessive Trip Planner
AKA, the person who tells everyone in the friend group that you’re renting an RV and going to the Kentucky Derby. The obsessive trip planner is a great friend to have (you wouldn’t have your memorable college excursions otherwise), but he/she could definitely be a huge burden to your close friend Mr. Wallet.
Since the obsessive trip planner will likely advocate you guys go on at least 3 trips — including an adventurous, but costly spring break excursion to Puerto Vallarta, it’s important to know when to go full Nancy Reagan and just say no.
7. The One Who’s Way Past College
I’m no much talking about the person who walks around saying how “over” college they are — that person isn’t so much over college as they are over saying something remotely interesting.
I’m more talking about the person who’s doing weekend music gigs up in Springfield, or spending nights at her internship-turned job. The guy or girl whose actions suggest they’re probably not going to that crew team party, let alone even know about it.
8. No Class Neil
In this month alone, he’s marathoned every episode of The Sopranos, Entourage, Gangland, and 3 different shows on HuluPlus that nobody knows exist because they’re on HuluPlus.
You’re not sure whether or not he stopped going to class, has graduated early, or is simply doing some sort of strange senior thesis.
9. “I can’t, I’m working on my thesis”
Speaking of: thesis’ are hard. I did one, and spent the majority of that second semester sweating profusely in hopes of satisfying the demands of the modern and societally relevant institution known as academia
But of course, there’s a difference between doing a thesis, and making it a non-virtual Facebook event that you invite people to at all times. We get it — you read passages in books that bathe in an everlasting sea of must.
10. That dude who’s always grilling or organizing a crawfish cookout.
A very valuable ally to have in college and beyond.