1. A New York man was busted for hiding LSD, cocaine, and marijuana inside a lion doll wearing a D.A.R.E. t-shirt. In related news, a local lion doll was mercilessly ridiculed by his friends after they spotted him wearing a D.A.R.E. t-shirt.
2. A newly discovered dinosaur has been named after Mick Jagger. The scientist responsible then discovered a thirty-seven year-old avocado in the back of his fridge, and somehow didn’t name it Keith Richards.
3. An 100% effective birth control pill for men may be available by 2017. According to reports, the pill’s guaranteed effectiveness can be attributed to a secret ingredient called Jimmy Eat World lyrics.
4. A burglary suspect who allegedly broke into a Florida home was found taking a nap on the victim’s bed. The burglar had reportedly been eyeing this home for awhile, having heard about their unrivaled collection of Danny McBride movies.
5. A Maryland college is letting students apply through a “Selfie Video Application.” The institution of higher learning, whose assumed aim is to mold and cultivate bright young minds in hopes that they’ll make significant advances in fields like medicine, social justice, and law, is accepting tuition payments in the form of snapchats.
6. An Ohio man miraculously suffered only minor injuries despite sleepwalking 60 feet off a cliff. Another Ohio man miraculously suffered only minor resentment despite sleepwalking through all of his 30s.
7. A British family has removed six of their children from school, after the school’s headmistress banned packed lunches. The headmistress was reportedly very upset because she was like, practically the only person in the whole entire school whose parents wouldn’t buy her Lunchables.
8. A 60 year-old woman was arrested after she pointed a rifle at her neighbor’s 11 year-old son as he played the clarinet in his backyard. Elite music instructors all over the country were disgusted by the fact that she used a rifle and not a machine gun.
9. Burger King of Japan has introduced an all black burger — complete with black buns, and black cheese, and exclusively blackout drunk customers.
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