Because my life is going so great, two of my roommates are fresh out of college. During a recent Friday, I was doing that thing that roommates do — watching South Park but not actually watching South Park, and instead conversing about things ranging from how America peaked fifteen years ago, to how much money do we think Matt Stone and Trey Parker make off of one episode of the series. My roommate was drinking coke and rum out of a blue cup. I was eating Chicken Tikka and Naan, which I had masterfully heated up in the microwave.
He asked me what my “plan” was. I’ve found this question to mean different things based on age. When my parents talk about the “plan,” they’re usually referring to how long they’re gonna garden outside before it’s too late to think about doing anything too elaborate for dinner. When my girlfriend asks about the “plan,” she’s usually asking when I’m gonna be done telling jokes into an open mic void and be ready to get fro-yo. But when my 22 year-old roommate asks about the plan, he’s only referring to one thing — what sweet bar I’m going to that night? Where am I going to spend money, acquire a giant headache, and smile just enough, so that my behavior doesn’t raise eyebrows?
When I told him that going out to (insert buzzed-about bar in your city) sounded like the last thing I wanted to do, he looked at me like he’d never really seen me before. Taking a sip of his super fancy drink, he then said to me “man, you’ve gotten really boring, haven’t you?”
Proudly gripping my copy of Atlas Shrugged* I looked at him and proudly said. “Yup. It’s pretty awesome, you should give it a try.”
So, according to both my roommate and this article that you’ve probably stopped reading by now, I’m no longer fun. Here are some of the perks of that:
*Sidenote: Sadly, I wasn’t actually gripping a copy of Atlas Shrugged.
1. You Acquire
Knowledge, time, the ability to pursue whatever it is that you’re are into. You could watch documentaries about chefs in South America, or actually keep your room clean. When people say they don’t have any time, some of them don’t account for the fact that drinking heavily with friends is like a 16 hour commitment.
2. You Become Unintentionally Elusive
My brother’s group of friends has this one guy who, despite being firmly entrenched in the friend group, is a bigger wild card than mid-2000s Terrell Owens. Not that he’s loud and good at football; he’s a wild card in the sense that he’s naturally and admirably elusive. He’s actually also pretty good at football, especially for a Jewish guy from Maryland.
Anyway, he’s the type of guy who will show up an hour late to some bar, and somehow manage no to exude an air of superior dickishness. He’s just off doing “James things” — and although “James things” primarily consist of holing up in his room and figuring out the ebbs and flows of the stock market, it’s very him. It also gives him a point of view that can actually spark an interesting conversation.
3. You Can Take A Step Back From The Technological Experience Super-Chronicle Mill
When you’re at the bar, it’s almost impossible not to hit up the ole instagram/seflie machine — bar superiority is mostly a function of appearing to be more occupied than the person next to you, and a group selfie serves that function perfectly.
Conversely, when you’re not attempting to live the greatest night of your life somewhere on Orchard Street, you finally have time to mount that high horse. This of course, if crucial for expressing awful opinions that no one else will really listen to.
4. You Start Being Passionate About Podcasts
Being passionate about podcasts is to 2014 what being a prolific text messager was to 2003. That analogy only sort of works, but think about how much you texting owned your life in 2003 vs. how much it does now.
5. Your Bank Account Will Get Down On Its Knees And Bow To You
I’d say that you’ll finally be able to save enough money to go on that vacation to Barcelona you’ve been dreaming about, but you’ll probably just be able to save enough money to pay rent and eat a good burrito every now and then. Either way, much better than the alternative of walking into a loud room and losing $30 on contact.
6. Sixth Point
I know I’m the one who’s supposed to tell you what the points are, but we all know it’s just the unwritten agreement of this whole thing — I tell you things that you pretty much know already, and you accept them as sorta true because it’s better than leaving the safety of the internet and grappling with the reality of your existence.
Anyway, if you want this point to be “you have more time to clean your email inbox and figure out what the plural of Rhinoceros is”, consider this the Scrabble equivalent of the mystery letter.
7. Sober Person At The Frat Party
I live in a pretty vibrant part of New York City. By vibrant, I mean that there is a constant flow of drunk people confidently shouting about their get rich quick schemes.
I’ve recently been doing this thing where I’ll go to the gym or start to do work late at night, and will therefore walk by the cadre of humans smoking outside the craft beer bar, or breaking up with each other in an entertainingly public fashion. The whole thing reminds me a lot of being the sober person at the frat party — half-amused and half horrified at what’s going on.
I know this has pretty much nothing to do with you, but figure we’re even after that last point.
8. You’ll probably be able to tell the difference between various types of coffee
Herein lies the beauty of being boring — in certain regards, you become (marginally) interesting. While Coach Phil Weston is by no means a boring person, you’ll be able to identify coffee with the precision that he admirably exhibits at the 1:34 mark of this clip:
9. When you do go out, you’ll have at least 5,000 Wikipedia articles to reference
And as we all know, everybody loves the guy who doesn’t shut up about all the cool things he’s read about on Wikipedia.