1. Early To The Punch Ethan
It’s 6:40 am, but he’s somehow already powered through his morning run, half the paper (in print!), and is more awake and alert than that annoying member of your local morning show. E2PE is not a bad guy, but he’s a tough pill to swallow if you’re not on his level.
Filled with phrases like “right back at ya!” and “let’s hit the ground running!”, his impossible pep is really just a front for his severe disappointment — he got to work 2 hours early, and his boss is still there before him.
2. The HBO Recap
She’ll have, of course, spent the previous night watching high quality premium cable television — the type that infers she’s making the proper pop-culture decisions, and has a content consumption pallet reflective of a 28 year-old who, although relatively happy, seems to be missing something.
After reading her 3-4 usual TV recaps, she’ll lurk around her place of work — waiting to pounce on fellow watchers if they so much as suggest a free moment. The 5 minute “did you see last night? so crazy!” water cooler conversation is by far the highlight of her day.
3. The Statement Maker
Maybe she got a bad performance review. Maybe she’s gunning for that promotion. Either way, the statement maker is taking Monday to show whoever she needs to show that she’s not only capable; she’s indisposable.
Since the Statement Maker isn’t as naturally peppy as Early To The Punch Ethan, she’ll likely opt to stay late — shutting down the office like her 20 year-old self shut down that club in Barcelona. Takeout Thai never tasted so good.
4. The Existentialist
What is this all for? is a classic Monday question, since Monday, more than any day, represents the commencement of a Groundhog Day -esque monotony. The existentialist won’t necessary be pissed that it’s Monday, but his mind probably won’t be solely focused on the day’s tasks.
5. Reminiscing Rachel
TommorrowWorld was last weekend. How could anyone work when Steve Aoki’s set needs to be relived at least 7 more times?
6. All Talk, No Cover Letter
Your friend who, without fail, spends all day on g-chat telling you how he’s finally had it. That he’s either gonna walk out and quit right now, or is gonna finally get serious and look for something new.
Of course, this burning desire to change his situation completely dies by 6pm.
7. Guy From Those Monday Night Football Commercials
I was a huge fan of these commercials, as they feel about 1 step removed from the great “area man” pieces from The Onion.
8. Pauly Passion Project
It’s all about time management. Pauly completes his day’s task in 2 hours time, but opts to not ask for more work. Instead, he spends the remaining 6 hours drafting up a business plan for a his “sweet spot” app — an app that will tell you exactly what time you should text back your love interest, so that you perfectly balance intrigue and hard-to-getness.
9. Digital Age Pete Gibbons
Arguably, digital age Pete Gibbons is an amalgamation of a few of the species listed above. That said, there’s a certain level of apathy that elevates the 2014 version of the Office Space into a league of his own. There’s no question Pete Gibbons would spend all of his time playing Fantasy Football, conducting 3-4 mock drafts per day whilst talking endless trash in the message boards. He’d get caught texting about 5 times a day, and he’d have so many tabs up on his computer that he’d spend 3 hours per day trying to remember what he was about to do.
All in all, no one falls into a Wikipedia Wormhole quite like Pete Gibbons. After all, getting from the Himalaya Mountains to Pterosaur in less than 5 clicks takes considerable skill.