In my humble opinion, Seth Rogen & Evan Goldberg’s Superbad is one of the greatest cinematic masterpieces of the 21st century. A coming of age movie disguised as a raunchy comedy, Superbad not only has as many quotable lines as it does memorable scenes, but it does an amazing job capturing the insecurities that plague many a 17 year-old about to leave his or her hometown bubble.
Plus, Superbad accomplished something I’m pretty sure no movie has ever accomplished before — it made 10:33 a very meaningful time.
Superbad came out during the sumer of 2007 — meaning that if we take a bunch of liberties and assume that Evan & McLovin matriculated at Dartmouth in the fall of 2007, they would now be 25 years old. This means that, according to the sweeping generalizations about mid-20 somethings that have permeated this internet space, our beloved Class of ’07 would be currently doing things like crushing Tinder and spending way too much money on brunch.
While Mr. Rogen and Mr. Goldberg certainly have the only legitimate say as to what these characters have actually gone on to do, here are some fanfiction-inspired theories as to what might have happened since Jules’ party for the ages:
1. Evan & McLovin Stopped Rooming Together After Freshman Year
Although McLovin getting into an Ivy League school is never fully explained, you probably recall Evan and Fogell’s plans to room together at Dartmouth — plans that Evan purposely avoided telling Seth, as to not make him feel even more alienated and bitter about feeling “left behind.” Evan’s decision not to tell Seth shows that he somewhat resents him for “holding him back” (“Instead of chasing girls and making friends, I threw away the last three years talking bullshit with you! And now, because of you, I’m going to college a fucking friendless virgin“), and you could also argue that part of him secretly enjoys leaving Seth out in the cold. But alas, as Evan admits in the end, he doesn’t really want to live with Fogell and is simply afraid of being alone.
I’m guessing that Evan’s hesitancy to room with Fogell stems from the fact that Fogell is clearly that roommate whose every breath makes you want to punch him in the face. No way they survived after that first year, let alone those first week bus trips to Target.
2. Evan & Becca Spent Most Of College Sending Each Other Drunk Facebook Messages
I have a friend who, throughout his college career, sent sporadic but extremely long Facebook messages to a girl he briefly hooked up with for a few weeks one summer. He always talked about how if they didn’t go to school and live on opposite sides of the country, they’d definitely be dating. These messages would go down once every four months or so, and honestly, their air of passion and minorly tragic fervor made me a bit jealous.
I feel like Evan and Becca — the couple who popularized the term “samesies” — would’ve done something similar to this. Except their version would be much less The Notebook, and much more drunk at 3am with no one to hook up with. (Remember, they went to college in 2009, which was definitely the height of drunk Facebook messaging. Though maybe that part’s just personal projection.)
3. The Liquor Store Clerk Had To Retake Her Goddam Veteranarian Exam
There’s no way that she was in right state of mind to fully concentrate, and pass what must’ve been a brutal exam. It’s not every day you get robbed by an African Jew wearing a hoodie.
4. The Night Before Thanksgiving Is Seth’s Superbowl
Every year, Seth returns to his hometown on the night before Thanksgiving (the night everyone from high school goes out), and makes it his mission to meet up with — and try to hook up with — Jules. And every year, he begins the evening reconnecting with his long-standing crush in a way that leads him to believe that this is finally the night.
Predictably though, Jules always finds a way to escape the bar long before Seth has a chance to go in for the kill.
5. Stephen Glansberg Has A Lot More Friends Now
Having just finished up his final year at Harvard Law school, Mr. Glansberg just signed on to work at an elite New York City Law Firm, where his starting salary is $215,000 a year plus bonus. Suffice to say, girls are now looking at him.
6. That Home Ec. Teacher Hasn’t Recovered From Seth’s Verbal Massacre Of Her Profession
My guess is that she’s still there, raking in the comfortable salary and waiting for the pension to kick in. But if the passion was gone before Seth’s emasculation of the Family & Consumer Sciences, it’s gotta be on an amazingly jaded level nowadays.
7. 60% Of The People At Jules’ Party Got Violently Ill
If you recall, a good portion of the alcohol for Jules’ party came in the form of laundry detergent beer. And while high school/college parties have an amazing capability of fostering conditions that should get people incredibly sick, but never do (see: beer pong “water cups”), this seems to take that high school senior invincibility a step too far.
If I had to guess, high school graduation probably had few people missing.