1. HitchBot, a robot made from a beer bucket and pool noodles, has successfully hitchhiked across Canada. He plans on continue traveling the country, and apparently has no interest in sending his resume to Uncle Dave.
2. A couple made waves this week for taking a celebratory divorce selfie. They were later spotted feeding each other spoonfuls of the divorce cake.
3. Pranna, a notably boozy New York City brunch spot, has been put on probation after drawing serious ire from nearby residents and business owners. Residents feel confident that their New York City neighborhood will now be restored to its usual state of total peace and quiet.
4. Sanrio, the company behind global phenomenon Hello Kitty, has said that Hello Kitty is not a cat. Thousands of fans took to twitter to express their outrage, which miraculously subsided the second their tweet got 4 favorites.
5. FXX is in the midst of a 12 day Simpsons Marathon, airing every single Simpsons episodes to date. Following this marathon, FXX plans on launching an all-out aerial assault to ensure that you’ll never make it to the gym.
6. An Austin Brewery has created a 99 pack of beer. This hasn’t made national news, as nobody believes that this is the first-ever 99 pack of beer.
7. A USC Football player has been suspended after fabricating a story in which he accredited falling off a balcony to rescuing his drowning nephew in a swimming pool. USC is not happy with Shaw, who has soiled the program’s historic reputation of not being caught for several years.
8. California residents are now legally allowed to bring their dogs to restaurants. There is a clause for Los Angeles based dogs, who will be shamed if they are dumb enough to have taken the 405 to get there.
9. A South Wales judge chastised a lawyer donned in robes and badges for “looking like something out of Harry Potter.” The judge then reportedly “felt a floating sensation as every thought and worry in his head was wiped gently away, leaving nothing but a vague, untraceable happiness. He stood there feeling immensely relaxed, only dimly aware of everyone watching him.”