Like many a useless millennial, I spent a good portion of my childhood sitting in front of a Windows-98 fueled desktop, racking up countless Backyard Baseball Championships with the Mighty Wombats and Humungous Melonheads. Recently, I’ve spent a fair amount of time wondering what has become of some of my favorite childhood friends.
Since none of them appear to be on Facebook, here are some speculations as to what Pablo Sanchez, Pete Wheeler and the rest of the gang have been doing with their lives:
1. Pete Wheeler
Pete was a cross country legend in high school — though was unable to participate in the individual state championships due to academic ineligibility. His lifelong rival, Star Moonbeam, was overjoyed by this development and took home the crown.
Pete remains in his hometown, and makes a living by delivering groceries and supplies to the elderly. He does it all without a car.
2. Ricky Johnson
Statistically, at least one of the Backyard Kids has to become a hipster. My vote is for Ricky Johnson; while he was pretty talented athletically, he never really seemed to have found his place amongst the sporting folk.
A recent art school graduate, Ricky makes ends meet as a barista in Greenpoint. He’s got a pretty big show at a SoHo loft coming up, with the paintings going for thousands of dollars. He’s hoping for it to be his big break, and you’re hoping for a break from all the self-promotion.
3. Reese Worthington
Works for his dad.
4. Ernie Steele
According to his Wiki page, “Funnybones” was told from an early age that he’d be a comedian. Following that urge, Ernie went to college somewhere around Chicago and started getting involved in the burgeoning Chitown Improv scene.
He’s now a pretty big staple at Second City, and his pilot, Man Of Steele, was recently picked up by Hulu. Man Of Steele is a dark comedy about a Superhero, who, after losing all his superpowers in a freak accident, must find his place in the world by starting anew as a customer service rep.
5. Annie Frazier
Annie Frazier attended the University of Miami to major in Marine Science.
She graduated a few years ago, and is now that Facebook friend who always seems to be living in a different South American country. Word on the street is that she’s a highly successful dolphin trainer.
6. Tony Delvecchio
Part of me thinks that Tony Delvecchio got in too deep with the family business at a young age, and ended up like the sorry Jackie Aprile Jr. But since #content is better served uplifting, let’s say that Tony turned his love of Lollipops into a successful business venture.
Tony D’s Pops, a store that sells lollipops, tanktops, and hair gel, has become a South Brooklyn and North Jersey staple. Rumor has it that he’s partnering up with his childhood friend, Mike The Situation, and taking the company national.
6. Mikey Thomas
Having endured a stuffy nose for 5,631 consecutive days, Mikey became so knowledgable about the pharmaceutical industry that he’s now working for a major cold medicine distribution company.
While his heart’s in the right place, his occupation makes him the most likely person on this list to commit a serious white collar crime. If Mikey stays with his current company for the next few years, there’s a good chance he might be going away for awhile.
7. Dante Robinson
If you recall, “Stretch” had a serious infatuation with food. My guess is that Dante has since become a pretty huge stoner, and devotes most of his time to figuring out whether or not to put tater tots or mozzarella sticks on his pizza.
8. Achmed & Amir Kahn
We were all rooting for Achmed and Amir to realize their dreams as successful rockers. Alas, because money talks, they now spend their days making a pretty insane living by writing songs for pop stars like Arianna Grande, Selena Gomez, and Pitbull.
Perhaps more fascinatingly, they’re set to be the major focus of a soon-to-be released documentary called “The Kahn Artists” — a documentary about contemporary Top 40 song-writers.
9. Gretchen Hasselhoff
Is in a sorority, and is “obsessed.”
10. Pablo Sanchez
Pablo recently dedicated his 4th consecutive AL MVP Award to his childhood buddy Vinnie The Gooch. He’s arguably the best baseball player in the modern era, and no one is surprised.