1. Mr. “I Wish I Dated This Guy In College”
While most 25 year-olds have long since acknowledged that pregaming with 8 shots is no longer feasible, this man refuses to late his increasingly crippling hangovers prevent him from reliving his glory days as a sophomore crushing it in the Beta House.
He’s fun, he’s got a nice array of brightly colored shirts, and he’d be a real catch if it were still 2009.
2. The Delayed Scholar
He never did “the reading” in college. But after plowing through both notable Ayn Rand books at the age of 23, everything has changed.
Two years into the working world, and his daily preoccupations have radically transformed. What was once a genuine concern over whether the apartment had enough solo cups has shifted to an obsessive unease over America’s stark and alarming outsourcing problem — the inevitable result of what happens when you work too much at a job you don’t really like, and seek fulfillment via documentaries on Netflix.
3. The Guy Who Takes ‘Hookup Culture’ Way Too Seriously
I watched this winter’s That Awkward Moment, a take on modern hookup culture starring Zac Efron, Miles Teller, and Michael B. Jordan. The reviews weren’t killer, with many saying the whole thing was a bit too cliche, obvious, and formulaic. I agree with that take, though there’s a reason many studio movies end up feeling like that — they’re more or less marketing aims at an entire generation of consumers, which say “This is what you do, so go watch this because you’ll be able to relate to it.”
So of course, there is a tremendous truth to the obviousness of a character like Zac Efron’s who doesn’t want to get in a relationship because he enjoys preserving a “rotation” of girls, not realizing that his lack of human connection is what making him miserable. If you’re still reading, I’m sure you know several people like this. It’s as much a narrative as it is a reality.
4. The Guy Who’s ‘Over It’
Maybe it was one too many nights spending $50 on gin and tonics to no avail, but something in this dude has radically changed. His current ideas of fun — cashing in on happy hour oysters, guiltily indulging in wine and cheese, and visiting a museum on the other side of town — are decidedly couple-like.
Staying in has become 1,000 times preferable to going out, and all this guy really wants is someone to watch The Voice with.
5. Elusive Eli
A musician, bartender or comedian-type, Elusive Eli would be a great person to date…if only you were able to actually see him.
Dinner, after-work drinks, or anything else that normal civilians engage in is usually out of the question when pursuing this specimen. His lack of normal schedule and inability to conform to typical standards of corporate soul-suckage is as admirable as it is infuriating.
6. Self-Improvement Sam
Be it his recent obsession with the work of Tim Ferris or his sudden, somewhat alarming decision to stop eating McDonalds (he used to be all about that 20pc McNuggets for $5), there is nothing this 25 year-old trapezoid workout enthusiast wants more than to be his best self.
While self-improvement is a natural and healthy component of this life stage, this guy takes it to the extreme. Out of everyone on this list, Self-Improvement Sam is the most likely to turn into a Norman Osborn-esque evil villain.
7. The 180
You’re not old when you’re 25. But you are old enough to have a past in which you’ve seen some things and done some stuff — something that’s only gonna get more and more commonplace as the years progress.
While no one nowadays is pulling a Deadwood and living under a completely new identity, people are now old enough to have implemented a radical shift in personality or life outlook. Whether that change be triggered by an unforseen tragic event, change in living circumstance, or simple maturity, the 180, despite his past selfs shortcomings, may be a completely unrecognizable compared to his 18 year-old self.
8. Guy Who Will Refuse To Get Frozen Yogurt With You
I used to be very against the modern-day concept of Fro-Yo — something about paying $7 for something that seemed to be more trendy than tasty really rubbed me the wrong way. Obviously, I’ve recently seen the vast error of my ways. Fro Yo forever.