1. The Dude That’s Everything On Paper, But Kinda Sucks
He’s got a decent marketing job, he picked a great restaurant that enables you to rave about how much you love sushi, and there’s no doubting that he’s gonna be a really good dad. Between “not being too into drinking anymore,” talking about his summer basketball league, and acknowledging that he went through a pretty strong T-Pain phase, he’s everything that society seems to indicate a guy should be.
Yet, there seems to be no giant Iceberg to match up with your Titanic. Three dates in, and the conversations are still surface level. The hookups have been nice, but nothing to write home about. You’re already bored.
2. The 3 Week In Dealbreaker
You met him under weird, but intriguing circumstances — you were drunk at it was 2:37 am, but whilst trying to hail a cab he somehow convinced you to give him his number. You had a shitty night, and this was the Silver Lining that Bradley Cooper said you had to live by.
Initially, doing this “thing you never really do…no, really” seemed to be the best decision of your life. This dude wasn’t your usual type, but that’s probably why you really dug it.
Then, hours after you decided that you might actually give this a shot, you find out that he’s a serial shoplifter who seems to think its his moral obligation to continue doing so.
3. Mr. “Better Off As Friends”
Classic dude you’ve been friends with for years — never thought about it initially, but as you’ve gotten to know him the game has changed. Exchanges have reached new flirty heights, and it’s become somewhat alarming how much he cares about you.
Alas, he feels too much like a big brother. Good for a time, but eventually too weird.
4. The Money Disparity
You instantly connect, but he makes significantly more or less money than you. Contrary to the ideals , “I’m rich and you’re poor so let’s dance together”, the lifestyle disparity is often too vast to overcome.
5. The Guy You Met 2 Seconds Ago, And Now Thinks You’re Dating
I didn’t write this article with the intention of referencing the Adam Sandler movie Click, but the uncertainties of life are what really makes it beautiful.
In the movie Click, Adam Sandler races past events in his life, and then realizes that he shouldn’t’ve done that. There are a lot of lessons learned, and there were probably some financial exchanges conducted between Happy Madison Productions and Bed, Bath, and Beyond.
In this article’s forced version of Click, the dude will assume you’re seriously dating after you exchange three text messages. Although the exact opposite of most dudes, I’d imagine this is just way too disarming.
6. The Dude That’s Never Around (And Thus, Can’t Watch New Girl)
He’s an aspiring musician, comedian, restaurateur, ditch digger, or anything else that requires him to work weird hours and never be able to curl up and watch the newest season of The Voice.
His inability to contribute to any conversations about The Voice is what’ll spell doom for this exciting, yet way too difficult almost-relationship.
7. Jon Favreau For The Majority Of Swingers
Semi-creative way of saying “the guy still not over his ex.” Likely won’t be as piny as Favreau’s classic character, but it’ll be very clear that his mind isn’t remotely near where it needs to be. Damn shame.
8. Attractive Guy Who’s Been Convinced By Pop Culture That He Shouldn’t Date Seriously At Age 25
I saw the movie That Awkward Moment mostly because I was demographically obligated to. (My theory is that if someone like me didn’t go see That Awkward Moment, then nobody would’ve seen it. And you can’t have that.)
I enjoyed the movie, but I was amused by the “too on-brand” premise it was based upon — in order for 20-something dudes to have relationships, they pretty much need to be tricked into having being in a relationship. It felt that Zacky Efron kept his “rotation” not because he wanted to, but because that’s just what you do when you’re 25, live in New York City, and live in an apartment 5x bigger than he’d be able to afford if it wasn’t a movie.
This guy doesn’t actually exist, but there are certainly are aspiring types — guys who will cut off a hookup, and then probably regret doing so. Alas, both parties can dream.