A few days ago, Beth Leipholtz wrote a nice piece on the Ghosts of Boyfriends’ Past — the type of dudes who one will experience who , thus enabling them to find the person that is right for them. I figured it’d be nice to do a counter article, from the side of a dude — mostly because this ensures that there’s now an article on the internet with a title extremely similar to the 2009 Matthew McConaughey and Jennifer Garner gem, Ghosts of Girlfriends past.
1. Summer Camp Sophie
American Pie and Wet Hot American Summer-type mythologies run deep in a modern dudes’ world outlook. Within every group of male friends, there will be at least one (possibly more), who’s first real experience with a girl occurred on the side of the lake on the last day of summer camp.
The fact that this appears to be straight out of a PG-13 movie that you watched when you were 9 is probably not a coincidence.
2. Facebook Official
Your first attempt at a relationship, which is solidified the fact that its announced on Facebook, contains a picture of you two, and is overall something you’ll regret somewhat soon. Although your mutual love of New Found Glory got you guys to this point, it’s all downhill from here.
Would it be too embarrassing to break up a month after the big FB pic? Best wait at least 2.5.
3. The One For Which You Built A Helga Pataki-Like Shrine
Your first love. Something you’ll never talk about now, because there are zero benefits to opening up about that time you built a gum statue in your closet as a result of being irrationally smitten at age 18. But we’ve certainly all been there.
4. Extracurricular Erica
You like her a lot, but she’s extremely involved in some sort of extracurricular activity Usually, this is something like a college soccer team, an intense dance organization, or of course, a quidditch league. The majority of the relationship will consist of her trying to integrate her into that world.
Eventually, the you realize her commitment to said activity is a little bit too much to overcome — her passion for international origami competitions is simply too all-consuming.
5. Proximity Penelope
I just finished watching the first season of the HBO show Silicon Valley. Don’t read ahead if you want the super dramatic plot of a sitcom spoiled, but the final episode features a budding romance between main dude Richard and co-worker of sorts Monica. It was the sort of thing you could see coming, but at the same time it was the sort of thing that would never happen if they weren’t working with each other all the time.
If you spend too much time with someone, you’ll probably want to hook up with them. And the aforementioned proximity means that you either need to start dating, or be extremely awkward and uncomfortable forever.
6. The Idea
Beth talked about “the idea” boyfriend in her piece — the stranger who you fantasize about and then mold into what you think they might be like. This happens once every four seconds for most guys, so definitely not feasible to categorize this into one person.
That said, “the idea” for a guy is that girl you once hooked up with — who is glaringly different than every girl you’ve ever been interested in, yet leaves you wanting more. Despite this weird attraction you know it’ll never work out; as much as you want to start dating that hipster girl with all those tattoos, there’s a reason why all the girls you’ve hooked up with are the complete opposite of her.
7. Wine & Cheese
You guys talk about wine and cheese, go on runs, and overall attempt to do everything that married people do. Yet, the sudden stab at true adulthood seems a bit too calculated; you can both feel that its more of a “this is what we’re supposed to be doing at this stage of life” rather than something that happens naturally.
You break up, because the whole thing just didn’t happen Naturally. You break up, because she didn’t get that Selena Gomez reference.