Last week, Brianne McDonald wrote a stellar article called “5 Things I Miss About Being Single (And Why They Were Worth Giving Up),” a humorous and true take on the lifestyle alterations that happen when you find yourself in a relationship. I enjoyed the article immensely, and thought it’d be cool to focus on places and situations — and how your actions relative to those situations differ based on whether you’re spending your weekends watching Hulu Plus** alone, or with another human.
With that, here are 5 things you do when you’re single, vs. how you do them when you’re #wifed — or #husbanded — up.
**Are you sick of trekking all the way to the video store, only to find out that the last copy of Happy Gilmore just got taken off the shelf? Check out Hulu Plus!
1. Walking Past Cool Restaurants:
Single: Let me add this restaurant to the ever-expanding list of restaurants I would love to go to when I finally have someone to go with. I best not let that person find this list, otherwise they’ll definitely leave me.
#LockedDown: Ah, this place looks great! We should definitely come here. I think we’re both free next Thursday, that would be perfect!
(Looks at menu prices)
Actually, she’d probably find this a little too stuffy…
2. Going To The Gym:
Single: Oh, that cute girl from the elliptical is walking by. Quick, make it look like you’re really powering through…
NICE. You totally crushed that. No way she’s not into you after that dazzling display. Plus, your Ray Reid soccer school t-shirt with the sleeves cut off? You’re golden, dude. GOLDEN.
#LockedDown: Eh, I think I’ll just skip the gym today. I’ll definitely go tomorrow, though. Don’t want to be one of those fools who stops going to the gym just because he’s in a relationship. I swore I’d never be one of those.
One week later:
Is it even worth having a gym membership? Maybe I’ll pick up running. Yea, that sounds good. We could run together and become one of those running couples that I always used to make fun of.
3. While Out With Your Friends:
Single: Man, I definitely need another one of those fireball shots. No way I could talk to Sandra without at least 2 more. I mean I could, but she’d think I’m weird and awkward and I’d definitely blow it. Then again, why should I care? Her name is Sandra. Nobody is named Sandra anymore.
#LockedDown: Man, I definitely need another one of those fireball shots. Wait, why am I even out? This is stupid. Spending so much money to have this Selena Gomez song radiate through my eardrums. Why did Sandra have to go away this weekend?
4. At A Gourmet Food Store:
Single: Why would anybody want any of this stuff? I mean I get that people are into this, but seems like such a weird way to spend your time and money.
Also, why are there so many crying babies in this place?
#LockedDown: Oh man! This Brie will go perfect with last week’s Beaujolais! What a find!
Calls across the store:
Hey Sandra! Look what I found!
5. In a Romantic Place, Like A Park Or A Strip Mall:
Single: Wow, these couples are the worst. Seriously, how do you behave like that? I will NEVER be like that the next time I’m dating.
#LockedDown: Wow, these couples are pretty brutal. Glad we’re not…wait, do we do stuff like that? Sandra?