1. He’ll Be Dependable.
With an average guy, you know what you’re getting. You always can count on an average guy to work a 9-5:30 job, come home, and plop down on the couch for three hours only to do the same rote task the next day. You can count on an average guy to do the bare minimum that the job requires, and get excited about the 3 half-day Fridays he gets to cash in over the summer. You can count on him to slowly advance within the company, but never high enough for anyone to take him seriously.
If you’re lucky, the average guy will command enough confidence to develop only a minor alcohol problem; one that’s never addressed because he’ll never nearly kill someone in a DWI, but one that’s significant enough to completely cloud his drive, ambition, and overall potential.
2. He Won’t Throw You Any Curveballs
At first, the average guy will do a decent job of wooing you; he’ll pick the right sushi spot, ask the right questions, possess the proper progressive views. He’ll have friends that he totally would have, and he’ll spend his 20s getting excited about things like possibly buying a Mazda, or the latest Marvel blockbuster movie. He’ll dutifully pick out an acceptable wedding ring, and play his part in the wedding plans — never causing too much trouble, but never going out of his way to really make the event as memorable as you thought it would be.
A few years into the marriage the average guy will slowly retract and fade in intimacy — as the average guy, statistically, sits on the precipice of divorce. Eventually you’ll log onto your shared computer to discover that he’s a member of AshleyMadison.com. This doesn’t shock you, as you yourself made an account over a year ago. Neither of you have had the gall to follow through on any matches, but it’s only a matter of time.
3. He’ll Be Realistic About His Dreams
The average guy will chase his dreams up until age 25. It is at this point that he’ll realize the work involved isn’t worth the slim chance that his dream will be realized. This is when average guy will, to the relief of his friends and family, opt to take a much more secure path in life; one that enables him to get by, and one that affords him the occasional vacation to Myrtle beach. But one that doesn’t afford him an infectious happiness, purpose, or the ability to contribute as much money as he’d hoped he’d be able to for his child’s college education. It is for these reasons that the average guy will really enjoy movies like American Beauty and Fight Club.
4. He’ll Do His Duties As A Father
If divorced he’ll pay the allotted child support, wholeheartedly enjoy taking the kids on the weekends, and expose them to life a 43 year-old bachelor living in a condo (complete with a tennis court). He’ll introduce his kids to Connie, the 37 year-old bakery co-owner who is actually a much better match for him than you ever were. One weekend, they’ll all go to Six Flags. They’ll take a picture together, and will all be genuinely happy. That picture will be one of those pictures that ends up being in his room for 12 years. You won’t be in it.
5. He’s The Safe Choice
The funny thing is, neither of you are actually average. You’re both exceptional — both with readily attainable hopes, dreams, and desires just waiting to be fully realized — but the cruel combination of social and economic pressures have created a relationship in which mediocrity was always gonna be the end result. You didn’t so much force it to work, but you never quite felt what you thought you were supposed to feel. It was the easy choice, it was the choice that seemed like the choice you were supposed to make at the time. He “fit the requirements” on OKCupid, which is a lot better than most. Better than most, but never the best. The funny things is, neither of you are actually average. You just let yourself become that.