Earlier this week, Rob Fee The Magnificent wrote a piece called A Comprehensive List Of Everything You Need To Accomplish By The End Of Your 20s. It’s a well done article, and I encourage you to read it before I spoil it slightly — it’s a bait and switch style piece, in which Rob notes that you don’t need to accomplish anything by the time you’re 30. That everyone moves at a different pace, and that comparing yourself to a somewhat arbitrary universal standard is utterly ridiculous.
Although Rob makes some undeniably great points, I vehemently disagree. While the whole “accomplishments in your 20s” thing may be getting a little bit out of hand, there are definitely a few things you absolutely need to have down by the time you hit the big 3-0. So without further ado, The 20 Things You Need To Accomplish By The End Of Your 20s:
1. The ability to distinguish between an acoustic guitar and bubble wrap: I cannot even begin to tell you how many of my friends still think there’s no difference between an acoustic guitar and bubble wrap. I mean, I get it. But is this really the look you want to be going for at 32?
2. A Fully Formed Opinion On Mayonnaise: You’re not in college anymore. Being intentionally apathetic about what’s going down in the condiment world is no longer cool.
3. Soup: Of course, soup isn’t reserved just for people in their 20s. But in your 20s, soup is definitely “a real thing.”
4. Liking a Random Facebook Status of someone you hooked up with 6 years ago: Your 20s are all about taking risks. Don’t just sit back and watch your life happen before your eyes.
5. At Least 7 Kids: You’re getting older. You’re gonna need some able bodies to get all the future harvests to Farmer Steve. You figure no more than 3 will die from cholera, so 4 should be more than enough even if it’s a drought year.
6. An Away Message that isn’t just “I am away from my computer right now.”: Enough said.
7. The First 29 Years Of Your Life: I know, I know. SO cliche. But stay with me for a second — if you aren’t 29, you simply don’t deserve to turn 30.
8. Coffee: Another thing that you could probably apply to adults of all ages– funnily enough, even those who are in between the ages of 62 – 64.5. But in your 20s, coffee is definitely “a real thing.”
9. A Really Good Hookup Story: Quite frankly, you shouldn’t be able to get out of your 20s if you can’t immediately recall that epic time you somehow scored those jumper cables and furiously thrusted them onto your engine battery.
10. An Instagram Account That Isn’t Just You Lathering Yourself With Molasses: Acceptable when you’re 23. But if you’re nearing 30 and haven’t yet moved onto tar, there’s clearly something wrong.
11. A legitimate Dick Vitale Impression: There are just way too many people who think they could skate by with a Dick Vitale impression that’s mediocre at best. This really just needs to stop.
12. Friendships That Are More Than Just Always Shouting The Phrase ‘Jason DeRulo’: By 30, you should have at least a few friendships in which you transition into yelling Scott Storch.
13. Comfort in your ability to crump: Everyone is gonna be crumping a little bit differently. The key is to have faith in how YOU crump.
14. A stable income: If you don’t have a stable income by the end of your 20s, people are probably gonna judge you pretty hard. Not really any getting around this one.
15. Lions: Some argue that Lions are only really an issue when you turn 35. I disagree. And even so, what’s the downside to getting started a little early?
16. The Ability To Distinguish Between A Quality Gas Station and SARS: Teenage stuff, really. But with the economy the way it is, you’d be surprised how many people in their late 20s are still struggling with this.
17. A more mature relationship with silica gel: You’re now old enough to realize that silica gel is actually just as flawed as you. Be emotionally available enough for them to be able to establish this new and exciting connection.
18. The ability to recommend a good Asian Fusion Restaurant: Pretty decent quality to have as you hit 30. Great for a recently married couple who need to convince themselves that they’re still fun…even better for a pair of increasingly desperate people who need to make it look like they’re not settling.
19. Puberty: Generally speaking, a good thing to have accomplished before you turn 30.
20. A Great Childhood in San Antonio: If you haven’t had a great childhood in San Antonio by the time you’re 30, I really just don’t know what to say to you.