There are many solid articles about the types of friends you’ll have in your 20s. There aren’t as many articles about the people who exist on the fringes — those who are more acquaintances than they are friends, and connect with you on a level that, while not entirely significant to you day to day existence, is significant enough for you to consider liking one of their Facebook status’ once every fourteen months:
1. The Regularly Scheduled Epiphany
She has a life-changing bikram yoga experience…every single weekend.
2. Friend Forcer Fran
“Guys, you wanna go to this awesome music festival every Thursday from now until the rest of eternity?
“Helen’s friend Dan Bedingfield has a sweet hookup for a coach bus that could get us there for a price that I think is cheap but probably isn’t. Let me know.”
3. The Perpetual Pop-Culture Reference Maker
All conversations with this person are a perpetual dance. A Dance With Dragons.
4. Hashtag Grind Harry
Hashtag Grind Harry constantly talks about the hashtag grind, and overall embodies what How To Make It In America was supposed to be.
Of course, the best part about Hashtag Grind Harry is that nobody really knows what he actually does.
5. Neighborhood Expert Elliot
Are you looking to eat at a casual sitdown place with light food and tons of cool drinks?
Don’t ask Neighborhood Expert Elliot — by the time he’s done going through his suggestions, all of the places will be closed.
6. The Unintentional TV Show Spoiler
He’s all about not spoiling the show. He also can’t stop talking about that totally crazy thing that happened.
“Dude, it’s totally crazy. You won’t see it coming. Especially because I completely ruined the element of surprise that made it so powerful.”
7. The Deceiving Inspirationalist
The most inspiring thing about this person is that they seem to possess an endless supply of inspirational quotes.
8. Person Who Posts Statuses About Taking Trips That Aren’t Really Trips
I’m probably in the wrong here, as no need to rain on a parade of genuine enthusiasm. That said, 95% of your social feed doesn’t care about your 24th weekend trip an hour north of where you live. And the 5% only does because they kinda wanna sleep with you.
9. Flaky Fiona
“Hey guys, I would love to come, but that nights really not good for me…I’m slammed with a ton of other events that I’m also not gonna go to.”
10. Steve’s Friend Luke
Nobody’s really sure how Steve’s friend Luke got into the mix, but the 3 times a year you go out with him are always guaranteed to be pretty awful.
Eventually, you’ll realize that you’re being an intolerant dick, and Steve’s friend Luke actually isn’t that bad.
11. “How Does He Have The Money?” Harry
He’s constantly instagramming menus from fancy restaurants, taking trips to Joshua Tree, and going to sports games.
All that, paid for by his entry level marking job?
12. Guy Who Sublets Your Apartment For 2 Months And Is Always Eating Curry
And for two months, the apartment smells only of curry.
13. Person Who Talks Your Ear Off At A Networking Event
All those years of nodding and smiling have led up to this moment. Time to shine.
14. Word-Killer Wanda
She recently started saying the word “basic.” Now, you can never say the word basic again.
15. The Hack Hipster
He considers himself an original, creative spirit…as he raves about how he discovered Sam Smith before everyone else.
16. The Californian
Somewhat a person, but mostly in here because I wanted to include this sketch:
17. “Let’s Catch Up”
They’re always taking about “catching up” — so much so, that through the past 5 exchanges of talking about catching up you’re both pretty much caught up.
18. Harping Back Horatio
It’s been 7 years since you guys got drunk in the woods and almost got arrested, but for some reason this is the only thing Horatio is able to talk about when you see him.
19. The Living, Breathing Energizer Bunny
Two jobs, out every night, and apparently also has time to be teaching House Of Cards themed spin classes. You wouldn’t too surprised if this person suddenly died, and then became the poster boy for why some now-popular energy drink needs to be banned.
20. The One Person You Know Who’s Always Going To Raves
Apparently, there are a lot of raves. So many raves.