1. The Person Suddenly Second-Guessing Everything
Sure, that entry level job selling life insurance isn’t exactly what she wants to do, but there wasn’t any big-time questioning until right now, mere days after your college graduation.
Did that commencement speech actually get to her? Amazing she even paid attention. I get that you’re supposed to pay attention and be all inspired, but making graduation at 9am is just cruel.
2. Unnecessarily Old Ophelia
She’s taking that “I’m an adult now” thing a little bit too far. She’s less than two weeks removed from being a college student, but she’s already completely given up drinking; swapping the flavored vodka shots for 6am espresso — just the thing she needs before her now-routine early morning run.
3. The Unconcerned Traveler
Who needs to think about the future when you could just backpack across Europe for 4 months, start a blog, and conveniently fail to address the future?
You are very “jelly” of this person, though are kinda scared he might die on the trip due to that crazy nut allergy. (terrible joke drumroll thing.)
4. The Disappearing Act
He lives in some rural part of the country, far away from where you guys went to college. While the majority of graduates are flocking to the nearest city (Boston, San Fran, Austin), you’ll probably see this guy no more than 5 times the rest of your life.
For the disappearing act, college was mostly about understanding the terrible people who’ve been responsible for slowly killing the family business. Now he’s learned the ways of America’s future white collar criminals, he could retool the business accordingly.
5. College Bartender’s Dilemma
A part-time student for the past two semesters, this exemplary human took up bartending at the place all the seniors go to. What was initially just a way of remaining occupied (while paying off a small portion of Mt. “Student Loan Debt” Everest) has turned into something greater; people respect him here, and he even gets to choose the soundtrack. What a dream.
6. The Overaggressive Apartment Hunter
To be fair, the Overaggressive Apartment Hunter has been on her game since March. But now, with no graduation instagrams to worry about, she’s taken it up about 15 notches.
All I’m saying is that you better make sure you researched whether it makes more sense to do IKEA shipping. Don’t think I need to spell out what happens if you don’t.
7. The Somewhat Fall From Grace (Vince Carter Then Vs. Vince Carter Now)
On top of his game, early 2000s Vince Carter was like a particularly swaggy Fraternity President during his junior year of college — the guy who, despite not having the highest GPA or greatest resume, was king at that moment.
Flip that graduation switch, and the once impressive titan has fallen from grace. Not that he’s a complete failure, he’s just not remotely close to dominating life the way he used to. While Carter has fallen back into role player status, this recent graduate will be grinding it out as a run-of-the-mill analyst in a position that’s not as prestigious as the other finance jobs occupied by his fraternal brethren. Sadly, he’s dangerously trending towards irrelevance.
8. The Person Who Acts Like They’ve Been A Sophisticated Beer/Wine Drinker For Years
His new thing is Banana Bread-infused Beer — obtained from a specialty brewery that you could only access if you were born on the fourth Tuesday of March. If that wasn’t bad enough, he’s acting as if he’s been into this for years.
Didn’t you just see him slamming back a bunch of Keystone Lights? Guess that was the old him…the old him who existed 48 hours ago.