1. The Vladimir Guerrero
For those unfamiliar with the Montreal Expos great, Vladimir Guerrero was a legendary baseball player known for his willingness to swing at (and convert on) the most unlikeliest of pitches. Down in the dirt? Probably a home run. High and inside? Nothing is outside the wheelhouse.
In the postgrad world, the Vlads are the guys that go to bars with the sole intention of hitting on girls with reckless abandon. While there’s certainly a fair deal of strikeouts, they do tend to have some spectacular conversions. Not for everyone (and sometimes incredibly cringeworthy), but certainly an experience.
Monogamous Meter: Usually is unaware that monogamy is a thing.
2. The Guy Who Looks Like He’s About To Start Doing Wallsits
Although he fully believes he’s got the skill set to win over girls at his local noise & inebriation saloon, he’ll spend all his time glued to the wall overlooking the dance floor, passing the time by glancing at his phone every now and then.
No texts, but that’s not that point; his thinking is that someone really attractive will probably magically appear the second he looks up.
Monogamous Meter: He’ll pretend to want to have his options open, but come on.
3. The Guy Crushing The Hobbies
You know that dude who’s Facebook is littered with pictures of his co-ed softball team? Behind the scenes, he’s been doing everything from organizing team bar trivia nights, to optional team practices that are really just very elaborate ploys to get in some extra time with Kelsey.
His commitment to “rounding the bases” is simply too impressive to come home empty-handed. He may not land his initial target, but odds are he’ll come away with a mediocre 5 month mini-relationship. The sad part is that once he’s finally locked her down, he’ll have no idea what to do.
Monogamous Meter: Likely, but the relationship will pale in comparison to the spectacular chase.
4. The Hookup App Brigade
Much like someone who works in the startup world and constantly throws out unintelligible buzzwords, the dating app mafia very much lives in their own, rather specific world; a world where the most embarrassing thing you could do is not know the ins and outs of Coffee Meets Bagel.
For these Bros, a hangout sesh mostly consists of swiping like there’s no tomorrow while consulting each other for what message a match. Half the time theses sessions devolve into a who-could-say-the-most-ridiculous-shit contest, which probably explains why you recently received pathetic/horrifying message or two from a dude that you thought had it all together.
Monogamous Meter: See #2.
5. The Big Gamble, via Skype
At times he’s thrilled with the arrangement — he gets to have is own time, while still maintaining his half-decade long ‘ship with the love of his life. But is the big gamble gonna pay off?
Only time will tell. But for now there’s a lot more second guessing than there is sex. Womp womp.
Monogamous Meter: He’s the Muhammad Ali of monogamy.
6. Coed Happy Hour
This is the reason 7,432 internet articles exist about falling in love with your best friend; the groundwork is set through through a never ending series of weekly dinners, pregames, and complaints about Groupers gone wrong.
Eventually you’ll get close enough to hang out one on one, “accidentally” hook up, initially blame the wine, realize it had nothing to do with the wine, and then get eye-rolls from all your friends when you tell them what’s been going on. Approximately 0% of them are surprised, because everyone saw this one coming from 499 miles away.
I say 499, because it’d be insulting to place this type of courtship on the level of that classic Proclaimers song.
Monogamous Meter: Men’s Warehouse Level Guarantee.